Artemis Fowl: The Chix Incident
by RheaLee
Summary: Written before EC; An alternative third book. An idea of what might happen to our twenty-year-old criminal when he gets dragged into another problem with the LEP; complete
1. Default Chapter

Artemis Fowl and most of the characters in this story were created by Eoin Colfer and come from Artemis Fowl and Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident. I, however, am responsible for the plot, Kip, Liz, Joe, and a few minor characters who may not even say anything.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Artemis Fowl: A Psychological Assessment from "The Young Twenties"  
  
by Prof. J. Argon, Brotherhood of Physiologists Commissioned by the Lower Elements Police  
  
With the return of both his mother's sanity and his father in person, young Master Fowl returned to only computer crime, merely diverting more of the contents of Swiss Bank accounts to his own during his stay at various private schools, each of which lost more than one counselor due to his presence. He did not bother our people. Actually, it is rather embarrassing; we were the ones to call on him.  
  
- Fowl Manor, Ireland -  
  
Had he been anything but a genius, Artemis Fowl would be spending this, his first day of summer vacation, home from university, outside by the pool. Except, we must point out, he was indeed a genius. Now, at the age of twenty, he was in the process of editing the third edition of his psychology textbook, intent on the computer screen in front of him. Butler was sitting in the corner, reading a newspaper and recognizing at least three men on the "Ten Most Wanted" list when Artemis' cell pone rang.  
  
Artemis sighed. He knew he should have gotten it replaced much sooner; the only person with the number was sitting right in the room with him. "Butler, kindly shut that thing off," he said testily, trying to determine whether the world-famous man he was quoting in his book was even remotely correct.  
  
His large bodyguard folded the paper and switched the phone over to "off." Which made it all the more disconcerting when it rang again two minutes later.  
  
"I thought I told you to take care of that," Artemis said testily, actually turning around and picking the thing up himself.  
  
"Just answer it, Mud Boy!" The voice from the speaker was a bit distorted, but nonetheless it was Foaly.  
  
Artemis picked it up. "What do you want?" he snapped. "I'm in the middle of something here."  
  
"Well, we need you in the middle of something down here," the centaur snapped, irritated.  
  
"Something illegal?"  
  
"By our laws, yes. And difficult." The centaur knew exactly what to say to get the boy - er, man - genius to the Lower Elements.  
  
"Let me guess: you're going to put us under for the trip." Artemis raised a thin dark eyebrow, brushing his hair away from his face. He really needed to get it trimmed, if only to stop it from getting in his eyes like this.  
  
"'Us'? You assume we will let Butler join you."  
  
"Of course. I won't come otherwise."  
  
Foaly had been counting on that. "How soon can you get to Paris?"  
  
"Where in Paris?"  
  
"Disneyland Paris, if you please."  
  
Of course. Where else would a bunch of short people fit in so well? "By midnight," Butler grunted.  
  
"Gotcha. Be on the lookout for your old friend." The line went dead. Which, of course, it should; the phone was off.  
  
Artemis sighed, saved the work on his computer, and shut it off. "Well, well, well. Looks like another rendezvous with our favorite LEPrecon."  
  
"That appears to be the case." Butler followed his charge out the door, neither of them bothering to tell his parents where they were going. With any luck, they would be back before either the elder Artemis Fowl or his wife Angeline discovered they were gone.  
  
- Haven City -  
  
Holly Short did not envy Chix Verbil at the moment. The sprite was actually shaking a bit as Commander Root shook a fat finger in his face. "If you had told us earlier a mistake like this could have been prevented!" he thundered, face turning the traditional purple. "Such a stupid thing to do! And you call yourself a sprite?"  
  
Holly had to smile at that one. Chix did, and often, when it was not required he fly for long periods of time. His wings had not been quite the same since he had been shot down on smuggling watch six years earlier. "I - "  
  
"You used the Mesmer, is that what you're trying to say? Used it one night - one night? How harmless could that be? - and forgot to mention the result for eighteen years?" The commander looked as if he wanted to break Chix's little green neck. "Do you have any idea what the implications of this are?"  
  
Holly's communicator gave a beep. "Yeah, Foaly?" she asked, flipping it open.  
  
"Disneyland Paris by midnight," he said, crunching a carrot.  
  
"And do they have any idea why?" she asked, raising an eyebrow in the sprite's direction.  
  
"Negative, Holly. Operation Matchmaker has not been found out." With a wink the centaur broke the connection.  
  
"Op - Operation Matchmaker?" Chix sputtered. "You can't mean you - I mean, she - "  
  
"Suddenly feeling very protective, are you, Chix?" Root smiled evilly. "You have a lot of explaining to do before the wedding."  
  
Holly smirked behind her hand. This - the name Operation Matchmaker, the ruse of a wedding - was all fake, of course. She should not be punished for Chix's mistake, not by any means, and not with Artemis Fowl. They just needed someone like him to move about up there and bring her down here.  
  
"Holly, you'd better get to a chute," Root said evenly, turning away from Chix who was sweating little green drops. "And please, keep the reunion scene to a minimum, would you?"  
  
"Yes, sir." The elf saluted and took off for her quarters to change into the proper uniform for a visit to the surface. Ugh. Mud People. And it was always her.  
  
- Disneyland Paris -  
  
Holly was pushing her way though the crowd though, actually, they parted to let her through, owing to the fact they thought she must be one of the seven dwarves or something. Well, a very pretty, clean shaven one at that, though her crew-cut could be a bit misleading. That, and the look in her eyes was not a friendly, docile one like one might expect.  
  
"Ah, Holly."  
  
Artemis had snuck up behind her entirely without meaning to. But, then again, she had never seen him in khakis and a button down shirt and was certainly not looking for someone that looked quite like him. He needed a haircut, for one thing - it looked rather roguish at current - and he was no longer the palest white possible; Artemis was now possibly the second palest man in the world. And he had grown. Well, being three feet tall meant looking up to everyone, but she was willing to bet he was a bit over six feet. That would be twice my height, she thought, trying not to make a face. "Hello, Artemis. Follow me, please."  
  
He smiled a bit at that, being given orders by someone who looked straight at him and got a good view of his belt buckle. Had she shrunk? No, that was stupid. He, obviously, had grown.  
  
Artemis followed her, knowing Butler would in turn follow him. "Are we being jumped and blindfolded the minute we're out of the Magic Kingdom?" Artemis asked wryly.  
  
"Sorry, the trolls have been left at home." Holly had to stop a moment and let someone take her picture with a kid and someone dressed up as Snow White.  
  
"Isn't that a bit against procedure?"  
  
"Quiet, Mud Boy. Just because you're read the Book doesn't mean you know everything about us."  
  
"I see." Butler emerged from the crowd and was again at his shoulder. Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Stuck in line, huh?"  
  
"Yes, the conditions of this amusement park are most unhelpful if one wishes to move with any sort of speed." He pretended to brush off his sleeves. "Captain Short."  
  
"Butler." She acknowledged him with a nod. "Come; the chute is this way."  
  
- Haven City -  
  
Holly had to admit that, while he had grown up in some ways, there were still a few things she'd like to improve about Artemis Fowl. For one thing, he needed to learn when to stop asking questions. After about fifty "I'm not going to tell you until we reach headquarters," he had shrugged, folded his arms, and sat back in the seat. Of course, they had landed a few seconds later, but still . . .  
  
Commander Root stood up in order to welcome them. "Artemis, good of you to come. You know Foaly. And this - " he gestured to a green quiver in the corner "- is Chix. He happens to be the reason you're here."  
  
"What, he was stealing batteries and you think he got them from me?" Artemis plopped down in the seat provided especially for him, though Butler stayed standing behind him, looking for all the world like a Men in Black transplant. He even had the sunglasses. "Tough luck; I'm all out of double- As."  
  
Foaly snorted slightly, in truth holding in a laugh, but to Root it seemed a snort of contempt. Which was fine with Foaly; he didn't need Root mad at him today. "Wait 'til you hear this, Mud boy. You might wish it was batteries."  
  
Root cleared his throat pointedly, looking at Chix. The sprite shook his head, obviously not wanting to talk. Holly sighed. "About eighteen years back Chix had a little fling with a Mud woman."  
  
It was Artemis' turn to snort. "Fling? You can't mean what I think you mean. Come on, there's got to be something wrong with that. Say, a few inches?"  
  
"Must be hard making fun of someone when you have the same problem, eh, Artemis?" Foaly chuckled. To everyone's surprise Artemis turned a shade of red and shut up.  
  
"Anyway," Root continued, "he only told us a couple days ago when we noticed some rather strange readings in the Minnesota area."  
  
"Minnesota, the United States?" Butler clarified.  
  
"The same." Root cleared his throat. "This, ah, has never happened before. A half Mud Man, half sprite. Or half anything else for that matter. We need to get her down here and figure out exactly what this means as far as our world."  
  
"Her?" Artemis raised an eyebrow. "And what exactly do you want me to do?"  
  
"We can't search as well as you can," Root admitted, "not for as long and not in daylight. You're the ones that know about us, and maybe you can even explain some of it to her. We need her to come here of her own free will, preferably a bit aware of what's to come."  
  
"And what would that be?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
But Foaly had understood. "Experiments, really. To see what her lifespan is, how much magic she can do, what exactly happened here. Is she mortal and human or what?" He shrugged. "That's about it."  
  
Artemis massaged his temples. "How long is this supposed to take?"  
  
"Well, we can help you locate her," Foaly said, "but then it's up to how easily convinced she is. It will be a challenge," he added helpfully.  
  
Artemis smirked. "And you know I can't refuse those. Just one thing - "  
  
"Yes?" Root raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Is she going to look anything like him?" Artemis pointed at Chix.  
  
Holly coughed into her hand. "Ah, we assume not, as she's been able to live like one of the Mud People for all this time."  
  
"Ah. Well." Artemis stood and cracked his knuckles. "Let's get going. The sooner I do this, the sooner I can get back to my book." 


	2. Accidents Do Happen

- Minnesota, the middle of nowhere -  
  
"Kid, they're calling for coffee." Liz brushed a curly strand of very died blonde hair behind her ear as she chewed her gum loudly. She was the typical waitress at a diner that served mainly truckers: forty, flirtatious, and she acted tough, though Kip knew that was not the case.  
  
"Got it," she said, grabbing the two pots - regular in her right hand, decaf in the left, as always - and getting herself out of the kitchen. It was easy to tell who wanted coffee; as soon as she appeared, about five men started clapping. Kip rolled her eyes, asking "Regular or decaf?" of each and ignoring the one young trucker who definitely winked in her direction. She preferred the older ones, the ones who were about the right age to be her father. They liked flirting with Liz, and they left Kip well enough alone.  
  
"Well, Katherine," this younger one said, with a look on his face that told her he thought he was hot stuff. "And what are you doing tonight?"  
  
"Working," she said shortly.  
  
"Then maybe I can come back."  
  
One of the other men called her away at a convenient time. "Just thought I'd order some pie to get you away from him," the man said jovially, flashing her a smile through his gray beard.  
  
"Thank you, sir," she said, meaning both for the order and for the distraction.  
  
"Kip, order's up!" Liz called, taking the lighter tray for herself. Kip just rolled her eyes, going back and grabbing the second. She decided she had to set her standards higher than being a waitress here for the rest of her life. Maybe she could actually end up as the cook; cooks were always right.  
  
- Little-used chute near the Twin Cities, Minnesota -  
  
Artemis rubbed the translator behind his ear. It was rather annoying, actually, though necessary, as it would also serve as direct communication to Foaly. The annoying came from the fact that he could not get a decent haircut and still have it remain unnoticed. "Something bothering you, Master Artemis?" Butler asked quietly as they waited for Holly to tell them to get on the shuttle.  
  
"Nothing, Butler," the young man answered crisply. What use was there in admitting the centaur had hurt his feelings? Just because he preferred computers to girls did in no way mean there was anything wrong with - well, it didn't mean there was anything wrong, period. "What is taking her so long?"  
  
He was tired. They had already taken a commuter - no, make that two - beneath the Atlantic Ocean and then under Minnesota. Granted, he had tried to sleep, but the craft had the annoying habit of giving a jolt every time he dropped off. Artemis wondered idly what sort of email Foaly had sent his parents to explain his absence. Something about a friend who was staying with relatives and wanted company . . . well, that would surprise the Fowl couple. They didn't really think he had any friends.  
  
"I assume she is checking the safety features of the craft. They said this had not been used in a while," Butler said in a calm voice.  
  
Artemis sighed, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall, checking first to be sure it was clean. He was having second thoughts about this. Going to America in search of a girl who was half sprite? If he was going to end up with another Holly on his hands, well, it would make for an exiting time, but he would be glad when it was over.  
  
"Everything seems to be in order," Holly called through the open door. "Come in and fasten your restraining belts, please."  
  
Artemis was not in the mood to deal with a chipper fairy, but he let it slide. She was supposed to get them to the surface alive, and it would not bode well to make her mad before that happened. So he merely entered the ship, strapped himself in, and held on for the ride.  
  
- Operations Booth -  
  
Foaly was seriously considering a swift kick with his back leg. It was a muscle reflex, honestly, though one that would render a certain sprite unconscious. A certain annoying sprite.  
  
"What's going on?" Chix asked anxiously. "Have they found her yet?"  
  
Hmm, definitely not father material. Good thing the kid was already eighteen. Imagine the childhood she would have had with this guy. Heck, imagine the childhood she must have had without him . . . "They have just exited the shuttle," he said evenly, though this was all clear on the map in front of him. Artemis - and therefore Butler - had checked into a five- star hotel to get some rest before going on his data. Which, Foaly was sad to admit, was not much. All he could provide was a strange set of data that seemed centered somewhere in northern Minnesota, but the "seemed centered" part meant she could be anywhere within the state.  
  
When a normal fairy was in a location and he passed it over with a special scan, there was a rather neat, tiny flower pattern that told him whether the fairy was running hot or just hanging on until the next full moon to plant an acorn. This was a rather strange pattern he was observing, larger, a bit lopsided. And the thing was, for all he knew the girl was running hot. Which seemed impossible. Granted, fairies could run on the power of a single acorn for twice her age, but this was not a fairy, not entirely. The centaur shook his head. They would have to wait for her to get back here so he could figure this one out.  
  
He cast a glance at the sprite in the corner, pouring over the printout of some useless data Foaly had given him in order to make him shut up for a while. It was a list of the highest Solitaire scores on Artemis Fowl's computer - it seemed the Mud Boy was addicted - but Chix was treating it like the Holy Grail. Any moment now his head was going to pop up and he'd -  
  
"Have they found her yet?"  
  
Arrgh! No. But they'd better. And soon.  
  
- Minnesota, the middle of nowhere -  
  
The jangling phone jarred Kip awake. For a moment she was disoriented, having worked past midnight the night before at Joe's request. And, seeing as he owned the diner, she had complied. She needed the money.  
  
"'llo?" she mumbled into the receiver.  
  
"Kid, we need you five minutes ago. Sandra's called another day off. My bet, she's not sick at all; I think it's her boyfriend."  
  
Liz's voice was not music to Kip's ears. She rubbed her eyes and took a look at her watch. "Liz, it's seven o'clock!"  
  
"And we needed you at six fifty-five. Can you come? You know you're into overtime."  
  
Kip was awake, albeit crankily, and she ran a hand through her hair, glad she had showered the night before. "I'm s'posed to work the afternoon."  
  
"Then we won't expect you to be cheery. Hurry up, kid; we've got truckers coming in."  
  
The dial tone was loud in her ear. "Hurry up"? Like she could bike over there that quickly. She'd at least pause to run a comb through her hair and secure it in a bun, throw on her uniform, and - Joe had better come in on his knees, kissing her shoes. Is he though he could jerk her around like this -  
  
Calm down, Kip scolded herself. It's not Joe's fault Sandra's taken the day off, and you asked for the overtime. Everybody knows why.  
  
Yeah, well, she answered herself, grabbing her bike out of the hallway and wheeling it to the elevator, that doesn't mean I have to like it.  
  
- Twin Cities, Minnesota -  
  
Artemis was not all that impressed with the American five stars. Then again, he was not overly amazed with those back home, either. But staying for one night was bearable, especially when Foaly clicked in on the communicator. "Would you rent a car and drive north sometime soon? Or we won't have any need to tell her we've got her father down here."  
  
"Oh, really?" Artemis smirked. "You're going to get away that easily with murder?"  
  
"Hah, hah, Mud Boy. Now get moving, would you?"  
  
Darn. That centaur, being in charge of communications, had the annoying habit of always being able to get the last word. Artemis sighed. "The shopping spree will have to wait until we get a car and start moving," he told Butler. "And, trust me, once we find a decent clothing store, you need something more casual to fit in here."  
  
"Of course, Master Fowl." The manservant followed his charge out of the room and downstairs to check out. It was a rather interesting study that the young man had obeyed instantly, though he was going to save the thinking for another day.  
  
- Operations Booth -  
  
Foaly snorted and kicked a panel beneath the main computers. "There, are you happy?" he demanded.  
  
"About what?" Chix had just entered, granted, but he had caught the second half of the conversation.  
  
"That the Mud Boy is on the move," the centaur said stiffly, grinding his teeth. It was a good thing Root was giving him overtime on this. After all, it was a rather urgent situation, for one thing, and the commander could not have the smartest engineer he knew jailed for sprite slaughter.  
  
"Oh. Good." He shrugged. "I don't see what the big deal is. She's got to be human, you know."  
  
"Which doesn't explain why, for all I can tell, she's running hot." Foaly's voice was level, though he was obviously not calm.  
  
"Maybe there's a bug in the system." Chix shrugged again. "Oh, well. If you don't need me here, maybe I'll go catch some of the action topside. There's a full moon tonight." He waggled his eyebrows.  
  
"Sure, why don't you go check it out with Root," was the pleasant reply. "Maybe he'll hook you up with my newest invention."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"It prevents little sprites like you from using the Mesmer."  
  
Chix left in a bit of a huff, saying something like "I'd never do that," but the fact remained: he had.  
  
Foaly chuckled to himself. One, the little squirt was out of his space, and two, there was no such new invention. But it was fun to see a sprite sweat.  
  
- Minnesota, approaching the middle of nowhere -  
  
Artemis sighed, trying to refold the roadmap. Two more nights, each in a different less-than-five-star hotel were really getting to him. He wanted to be back home in his waterbed, for one thing, and with decent caviar, for another. That, and Butler looked strange in khakis, loafers, and polo shirts. With she sunglasses and a couple weapons secured under the getup, just in case.  
  
"Something wrong, Master Artemis?" Butler asked, expertly handling the secondhand car they had purchased for a wad of bills from a rather sleazy dealer.  
  
"My rear hurts and I want to stretch my legs," he said testily. "Other than that, no, thanks for asking."  
  
Butler was about to make a reply when he gave a wordless yell, spinning the steering wheel and yet still not quite avoiding the cyclist. He flicked on the caution lights and was almost immediately out the door. "I didn't see her," he muttered almost frantically, noting the bike had been crushed under the front tire.  
  
Artemis felt his stomach clench as he thought of the state the girl must be in, not so hastily climbing out of the vehicle.  
  
Butler was crouched by her side, hand on her wrist. "Her pulse is still strong," he muttered, eyes roving over her still form for possible signs of broken bones.  
  
Artemis looked, as well. She was about his age, he would guess, though as much a foot shorter. She had been flung from the bike before it had been crushed, that much was certain, and suffered a cut on her forehead and a badly scraped right elbow, but, it seemed, nothing worse.  
  
She moaned, eyelids fluttering slightly. "Don't try to sit up yet," Butler said in a soothing voice. "I don't want you to do any harm to yourself."  
  
"No, you've got that covered," she moaned, opening amber eyes. "Don't they teach you to drive in Scotland?"  
  
"Ireland," Artemis corrected, actually surprised she had picked up that much of an accent. "And we didn't see you."  
  
"Your aim would prove otherwise." She sat up slowly, smiling. "Guess you haven't seen that movie."  
  
"We can get you a new bike," Butler said, still concerned. "And we should get someone to take a look at you."  
  
"Take a look at me? I'm late enough for work already. I've got to be going." She stood, brushing her hands off on the seat of her pants and reaching up to redo her bun, securing her long brown hair once more and trying not to wince at the pain in her arm.  
  
"But you're bleeding - "  
  
"And we have first-aid kits in the back. Look, I really have to be going. If you'll kindly take that thing to the nearest trash heap - " She indicated the ruin of her bike. "If I'm late, they'll kill me for sure."  
  
"Yes. Here." Butler pulled a couple bills off a roll from his pocket and pressed them into her hand. "You don't want our names or anything? Your parents are going to be upset when you come home."  
  
"Trust me, I'll manage." She squinted at the money. "You must be joking. You only meant to give me one of these, right?" She was trying to give some back.  
  
"Trust me, I meant to give it to you. See a doctor on us. And get a bike."  
  
She hesitated, then stuck out her hand. "I'm Kip."  
  
"Butler." His hand almost swallowed hers.  
  
"Right." She nodded once, then looked at her watch. "Ach, I've got to go." And she took off at a run, her stride even and comforting as she disappeared around the corner, taking off her helmet as she went.  
  
Artemis frowned slightly. "She was . . . amazing."  
  
"Amazingly tough and strong willed, you mean," Butler said, climbing back in the car. "You've had your stretch; we still have a few hours before dark. Come on."  
  
The younger Mr. Fowl, feeling for some reason as if he were in a daze, climbed back in the car, fastened his seatbelt, and stared out the window at nothing while waiting for Butler to remove the remains of the bike and begin on their way once more.  
  
- Minnesota, the middle of nowhere -  
  
Kip stopped just around the corner, ducking behind a convenient tree for a moment. Her arm hurt a bit, but passing her left hand over it and concentrating slightly healed the damage without a scratch and, a moment later, her sleeve as also repaired. The cut on her forehead took another instant, then a moment to remove the blood and dirt stains from her shirt. Really, that man did not need to give her nearly so much money; she hadn't needed a doctor in years.  
  
Of course, she reminded herself, taking off running again, if she got fired, she may well appreciate his gift of money much more than he would ever know.  
  
- Operations Booth -  
  
The alarms jangled Foaly out of a good rest. He didn't quite know where he was a moment, having dozed off in the form-fitted chair. It took him a bit to locate the source of the incessant buzzing and turn it off, then some more time to realize what the readings were telling him. He dialed Artemis' number straight away.  
  
"Yes, what?" Artemis snapped into the phone, sounding for all the world like Foaly had just interrupted an important train of thought.  
  
"You need to stop what you're doing and head south again," Foaly commanded.  
  
"Oh, you've a more accurate reading now, do you?"  
  
"Quiet, Mud Boy. You're too far north now. She just used magic to - to do something, and the scan picked it up. She's further south than you are."  
  
There was a moment of silence as if the Mud Boy had covered the mouthpiece and was conferring with Butler. "This happened when, a few minutes ago?"  
  
"Yes. Did you think I'd wait an hour to tell you?" Foaly snapped. Chix had worn him thin, and now, to deal with this boy again . . . except, by human standards at least, he was no longer a boy. Oh, well. No time for that now.  
  
"As if it was a healing?"  
  
There was something going on in that kid's brain, the centaur was sure of it. "Artemis. What do you know?"  
  
"Oh, not much. Except I think we just hit Chix's daughter a moment ago and ruined her bike." 


	3. Will You Be My Neighbor?

- Minnesota, the middle of nowhere -  
  
Kip was not really in a good mood. First of all, Joe had yelled at her for being late, even though she created the illusion of the cut on her head and the scrape on her arm. Liz had gone all panicky and bandaged her up nice and neat, but Joe had still been steaming. "We hire a teenager and look what happens!" he fumed, going back into the kitchen, still shaking his head.  
  
Liz was almost just as annoying, especially as she made sure to announce to the entire diner what had happened to Kip. "Some idiot practically ran her over! Can you believe it?" None of them could, and they all made sure to tip Kip well, to make up for it. Sometimes you just had to love truckers.  
  
It was later, around dinnertime, that Kip came out of the kitchen with a full tray in time to hear Liz tell the story to the group of newcomers who had just been seated and given menus. The only problem was, Butler and the young man were among this new group. Kip avoided their gaze and set the plates of cherry pile around the table in the corner.  
  
"Did you get the license plate number?" one man called across the room.  
  
Kip almost laughed at that. "Yeah, right before I jumped out of the way," she joked. "They're probably in Canada by now, if you want to go try and catch them. Can I get you anything?" she asked Butler and the young man. Butler nodded and placed both their orders, though the young man seemed a bit slow; he did not look like he could believe she was letting them off the hook that easily.  
  
"Amazing you were not hurt worse," he said softly. "If I am not mistaken, you have cleaned up that uniform quite well, and the patching is immaculate."  
  
Her blue eyes flashed, though she pretended not to understand. "I'll be out with your drinks shortly," Kip said, collecting the menus and hustling back to the kitchen.  
  
* * *  
  
Butler chuckled slightly. "As soon as you put your eyes back in, Artemis, care to tell me the next step in this plan?"  
  
"Plan?" Artemis looked dazed and he shook his head to clear it. There was just something about her - she was short, yes, but that was to be expected if her father was a sprite. He guessed she topped out around five feet, if not a bit shorter, and she had the clearest blue eyes he had ever seen, eyes like the sky on a fine day. The only plan in his head right then was how to see her again, which was strange, considering he should have been pining away for his computer.  
  
"You see no damage to her arm, and I am willing to bet there is nothing for that bandage to be patching up on her forehead. Fairy healing powers. How do you propose we tell her who she really is?"  
  
"We can't just exactly tell hr straight out. She'd think we were lying, or mocking her, or something. We have to get her to trust us first."  
  
"And that will involve coming up with a reason to stay here and see her often," Butler said, knowing that would be coming sooner or later and already having a story worked out. He had spoken to Foaly more often than his young charge and was in on the "Operation Matchmaker" joke, though he had thought from the beginning there may be more to the name than the fairies gave credit. This girl was bound to be complicated, yes, and perhaps dangerous, the combination Butler would search out in a woman himself had he not been Artemis' bodyguard.  
  
"You have a reason."  
  
Butler simply smiled.  
  
* * *  
  
Kip was not really in a good mood when she got back to her apartment and, when she flicked on the lights, it really went downhill from there. Actually, the sight that made her moan inwardly was the rear end of someone sticking out of her refrigerator, albeit a very recognizable rear end. "Mulch Diggums, it's not really the day for you to be showing up here," she said testily, closing the door and throwing the various locks that the previous paranoid tenant had installed.  
  
"I beg to differ," the dwarf said, closing the door and beginning to gnaw on one of the carrots from his armful. "It's the perfect day for me to be here."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Sure. You've got the entire underground community searching for you."  
  
"Yes, I know," she said through gritted teeth, pulling out a chair and collapsing in it.  
  
The dwarf climbed into another one, dumping his meal on the table and wiping his mouth with the back of his hairy hand. "Yep, and they'll never find you. So, they never find you, they never find me."  
  
"You're so sure."  
  
"'Course." He burped. "'Scuse me. Not even those newfangled wings'll get them here in one night, 'specially not in the summer when nights are so short."  
  
Kip chuckled a bit at that. "So you seek asylum."  
  
"Sure. We're two of a kind, you and me. Me, I'm not wanted there and you don't belong there, so that's the basis of a beautiful relationship."  
  
"You forget I still have my fairy magic whereas you were forced to give yours up from entering Mud Man dwellings without first being invited."  
  
"You don't belong there anyway, kid." He gestured with a carrot. "You're almost nineteen and definitely have a Mud Man lifespan, so it's not like anyone down there's going to give a rip. Three blinks and you're gone."  
  
Making a mental note to introduce Mulch and Liz, Kip retorted, "Yeah, and it's not like either of us belong up here, anyway."  
  
"You mean because of the dwarf thing and the gee-I've-got-magical-powers- anyway thing? Yep, we're outcasts. So we might as well be outcasts together."  
  
Kip shook her head in disgust. "Tell me about Artemis Fowl," she said suddenly, as if changing the subject.  
  
"Why do you want to know about him? He's in Ireland, probably wrecking havoc on some poor psychiatrist as we speak."  
  
"He's tall, and pale, with dark hair."  
  
"Yes, I told you that already."  
  
"And he always travels with a big guy, a bodyguard."  
  
"Named Butler, yes." Mulch shook his shaggy head. "Honestly, kid, what's the point in knowing all this if you're never going to cross paths?"  
  
"Oh, he literally crossed my path this afternoon. I'm just lucky I was too slow to be right in the way."  
  
Mulch dropped a carrot. "Mud Boy, here? Why?"  
  
"Three guesses," Kip said wryly.  
  
"But why would they want you back?" the dwarf asked hoarsely. "It's not like it's even possible you could be just like any of them."  
  
"Well, maybe whoever the guy was that was this dumb finally fessed up and now they want to destroy the evidence, hmm?"  
  
"Look, kid, when you found all that on the internet - "  
  
"And caught you trying to steal my bike?"  
  
"It was all just an accident we found each other. I didn't tell anyone about this."  
  
She rolled her eyes. "Duh you didn't bring Fowl here. I'm not blaming you."  
  
"'Course you're not." But Mulch looked relieved. "So, uh, what happens now?  
  
Kip started massaging her temples. "Look, you honestly have no idea who the guy was?"  
  
"Nope. I'm just hopin' it wasn't Root."  
  
"Well, then." Kip stood and started off toward her room. "I'm not doing anything. In fact, I'll be doing so much nothing I'll be a complete Mud Man and ignorant to boot. Personally, I want to meet this guy. And I'm really curious about where this'll be going."  
  
Mulch shook his head. "You have no idea what you're getting into."  
  
"You don't have to stay."  
  
"Hah!"  
  
Kip sighed. "The extra sheets are in the same closet. Just don't fold yourself up in the sofa bed again, all right? Because I'm not getting you out."  
  
"Yes, ma'am." Mulch threw a salute before Kip shut her door and - for good measure - locked that, too.  
  
- Operations Booth -  
  
Foaly waited impatiently. "Well? I asked you: did you find her?"  
  
"Yes and no," Artemis said distractedly. "Look, we have ourselves an apartment in the area and we know where she works. This is just more difficult than you made it seem, okay?"  
  
"Oh, really? How so?"  
  
Artemis snorted. "You can't just go up to a girl and say, 'Hi, I've met your real father. What's he like? Oh, green, rather short, nice pair of wings . . . yeah, he's a sprite.' Things just don't work that way!"  
  
Foaly chuckled.  
  
"Come on, what if she has some wonderful adoptive father or something?"  
  
"Not to mention, what if she laughs you off the face of the earth?" Foaly completed. "Look, we're really in no hurry down here, despite what Root says, and maybe it'd be better if she never meets Chix, anyway. You're the one with the Mud Man timetable."  
  
"Hah, hah. Now, can we get back to furnishing our wonderful abode?"  
  
"If you must." Foaly clicked out, a smile stretching his face. Mud Boy, worried about upsetting some girl? Butler must have been right in his suspicions.  
  
- Minnesota, the middle of nowhere -  
  
Mulch was sitting on the couch, munching some more carrots and listening to her CDs when Kip got back. "We've got a problem," he said mournfully.  
  
"I can buy more carrots tomorrow," she grumbled. It had been a long day, and she was lucky to get out at seven instead of being roped into another few hours.  
  
"It's not carrots. It's your new neighbors."  
  
"Oh? Goblins, are they?" She kicked off her shoes and plopped down next to him, clicking to the next track.  
  
"Worse."  
  
"Your mother-in-law?"  
  
"Fowl."  
  
Kip snorted. "Right, real funny."  
  
"And Butler."  
  
She blinked. "Surely you jest. 5B?"  
  
"Where else is empty?"  
  
"You checked?" But Kip was only mildly surprised; dwarf instincts were hard to put to rest.  
  
"Yep. And they managed to go out and buy some coordinating furniture. It was delivered just before you got here."  
  
Kip let out a low whistle. "So you weren't kidding when you said he was rich."  
  
"Trust me: you marry him, you're set for life."  
  
"The enemy of the Lower Elements? Not exactly top on my list. Prince William, maybe, but not a guy named Artemis. Seriously, what were his parents thinking?"  
  
"About naming him after his father?"  
  
She snorted. "Artemis was a Greek goddess. Of archery and something else, I think. Wonder if he knows it's a feminine name?"  
  
"I'm guessing he wouldn't care if he did."  
  
"Right." She propped her feet up on the scratched coffee table, only a couple bucks at a garage sale.  
  
"Why aren't you more worried?" Mulch asked, looking up at her.  
  
"Because one, he can't kidnap me without raising too many questions, and two, I kind of want to know what they know about me. How much, I mean, and what they intend to do about it. Things that might be worth knowing."  
  
"What's worth knowing about a bunch of fairies?" the dwarf asked sourly, bits of carrot clinging to his beard.  
  
Kip just smiled. 


	4. Getting to Know You

- Minnesota, the middle of nowhere -  
  
They had been into the diner a few times during that first week, though they somehow always managed to be at Liz's table, and she began to see something in Butler. "His grandfather had a farm around here," she gushed, "and he's brought his nephew for holidays. Isn't that quaint? He calls it holidays!"  
  
Kip just smiled, though she wanted to say, "Grow up, Liz; in Britain they call them holidays." But she took her trays out in silence. More than once she caught him looking at her, though it was not a look she would have put with Mulch's descriptions. Sweet, she decided, described it best. No one had looked at her that way, ever; she got lustful looks from young truckers who thought they were all that, fatherly looks from older truckers, and withering looks from those in a greater hurry than she appeared to be. He was confusing, she decided, picking up empty plates and pocketing the tip.  
  
Except, nine days after their arrival, they took a seat in her section. Mulch, of course, had told her never to associate with the "Mud Boy and his hit man," though she rarely took advice from a dwarf who, in fairy years, was really only about twenty or twenty-one himself. "What can I get you?" she asked, pad of paper at the ready. They ordered directly enough and she was about to get out for the night - they were her last customers - when, while picking up the table, Artemis came up behind her.  
  
"Tanardawen."  
  
Her breath caught in her throat. It was the fairy name on her birth certificate. She used it as her middle name, as it would make a rather noticeable last name, but no one knew that. "Betan sumoh, u mana?" she demanded. What do you want, and why?  
  
"Mitl'r spishe." To talk with you.  
  
It boggled her mind, really, that he spoke the ancient language. Then again, a few years back she had come across a copy of the Book, the fairy Bible, on the internet. He may have learned it from there - the words were natural n her tongue - or, wait . . . he was the one who succeeded in translating it in the first place, though he may not have put it online. "Ib'n con." You are.  
  
"Sla', bei'm di." But I would rather we do this at your house, alone.  
  
"Nid Butler?" No Butler?  
  
"Vurd't di 'm sapken wid e?" Would you speak to me without him?  
  
"Be d's inid f'er." More than with him. Though the "maybe" went unsaid. They were starting to attract stares of curious truckers who were coming in. "Come with me." She plucked at his sleeve and went outside the diner to where Butler was waiting by the car.  
  
"We can drive you," Artemis offered, and he seemed a bit nervous somehow.  
  
"I don't take rides from strangers." Kip glared at him. "Though you seem to know a great deal about me."  
  
"I didn't know you'd understand the language," he said irritably, as she had started walking and left him no choice but to follow.  
  
"I understand more than you think, Artemis Fowl. Not everyone is as dumb as you think they are."  
  
He snorted. "Now you sound like Foaly."  
  
Kip winced. She had heard a lot about Foaly from Mulch, and she was not exactly sure what kind of person - er, centaur - he was. "You want to take me down there so they can perform tests on me and conclude what I can simply tell you and send you on your way."  
  
"And what's that?"  
  
"Conclude it yourself, genius." She turned a corner, shoving her hands in her pockets.  
  
"Wait, I think you've the wrong impression of me." He touched her shoulder, though she did not turn. "You still think I'm the kid I was, though how you know what sort of boy I was I'm not sure."  
  
"You're trying to tell me you're not, then."  
  
"No. No, Katherine, please - at least . . . listen to me. Please."  
  
"Why?" She finally did turn to him, looking up at him with an unreadable expression on her face. "You intend to take me down there and let them do what they think needs to be done with me. I don't belong there, Artemis. If I'm lucky I'll live to see one hundred years go by, though I'll never be lucky enough to find someone who understands me."  
  
"Katherine - "  
  
But she was walking again, swiftly, and she did not stop until she reached the apartment, where Artemis finally caught up to her in the elevator. "You - you live here?" he asked, sounding slightly out of breath.  
  
"Down the hall from you." Kip punched the second floor button savagely and leaned into the corner of the box, waiting for the doors to close and the ancient machinery to start working.  
  
Artemis shook his head, amazed. "This wasn't the way any of this was expected to work out."  
  
"What do you mean?" she asked wearily.  
  
"You weren't supposed to know any of this. I mean, how many kids would conclude they're half-fairy, just because?"  
  
"I had help." The doors opened and she immediately went down the hall to apartment 2B. "You translated the Book. I'm assuming someone else got a hold of your copy and posted it on the Internet."  
  
"And you automatically assumed all this applied to you." He was skeptical, following her into the apartment and smirking as, when the door closed, he saw the sign taped on the back: ". . . or not 2B?" "That's original."  
  
"What? Oh. It was here when I moved in." She plopped down on the couch.  
  
Artemis sat on the opposite end, rather gracefully, she noted. "So what now?" he asked.  
  
"You're asking me?" Kip laughed. "Dude, you're the genius, the enemy of the Lower Elements who's always one step ahead of the game. You tell me what."  
  
"Well, I was supposed to tell you all this - that your father wanted to name you Tanardawen, that he's a sprite - "  
  
"A sprite?"  
  
"I thought you knew all this."  
  
"I knew he was a fairy, not what brand. Go on."  
  
"And, well - I'm supposed to take you down there so they can see what this . . . mix . . . of blood means to you."  
  
"What it means to them, you mean." She sighed, settling deeper into the cushions. "I'm mortal. At least, not like them, I mean. Like I said, maybe I'll reach one hundred. Then again, so may many Mud Men in the long run."  
  
"But you have their magic. You did the healing."  
  
She smiled slightly at that. "Yes, I have the magic, and I have never planted an acorn. So what now, Mud Boy? I'd be in your debt if you simply contacted them and told them that I'll live my life out up here and never bother them, thank you very much."  
  
"I can't let you go. I mean, they won't let me."  
  
Hasty though the correction was, she noticed his ears were turning pink. It amused her; from all Mulch had said, the boy cared for nothing more than computers and money. Boy? Now she was sounding like Mulch. "Try it, at least."  
  
"But - "  
  
"I could use the Mesmer," she threatened.  
  
"But I don't contact them. They contact me." Artemis frowned. Foaly should have contacted him already, once he realized Artemis was right next to her. In fact, it had been a few days since communication of any sort. But something else was nagging at the back of his mind, as well. "There's something you're not telling me. Something that made you believe the Book pertained to you."  
  
"You mean besides the fact that I could read the original copy in the old tongue? But wait, you speak it as well." There was a bit of mockery around the edge of her voice.  
  
"No, that's just the translator." Almost unconsciously he brushed back his hair, fingertips running over the cool crescent. "There's something else."  
  
As if to confirm his suspicions, there was a crash that came from the kitchen. A quick glance at the girl assured Artemis his questions would be answered if he simply looked around the corner.  
  
- Operations Booth -  
  
It was empty. Completely empty. And whatever -or whoever - had emptied it had done a thorough job. No computers left, not even cords poking out of the walls. And it wasn't just the both, but all of the Lower Elements: nothing. Not a sprite, a pixie, a dwarf, a goblin, a LEPrecon - nothing. Well, the dwellings were still intact and with all their equipment. The only things of interest had been under Foaly's direct control, and those were gone.  
  
Had there been a wind it would have whistles hollowly through the corridors and empty chutes, but there was no such thing. The Lower Elements looked like a ghost town. Except ghosts, as Mud Men suspected, did not really exsist.  
  
- Minnesota, the middle of nowhere -  
  
An extremely guilty looking Mulch had knocked a tray of cookies off the counter while climbing on it to get a glass out of the cupboard. He was sheepishly climbing down to pick them up when Artemis burst in, followed closely by Kip. His jaw dropped - as well as the cookie bits he had in his hands - as he registered what he saw. "Narda," he whimpered.  
  
Kip rolled her eyes. "Look, you're both not exactly on the greatest terms with the LEP, so I'd think you'd be decent enough not to turn each other in."  
  
"Narda?" Artemis echoed.  
  
"Nickname of Tanardawen. Actually, the root of the name." Kip got down on her knees to continue picking up. "You should know what that means."  
  
"Laughter, or sometimes . . . light?" After a moment Artemis knelt beside her. "It's a really pretty name, by the way."  
  
Was it her imagination or were his ears turning pink again? "It's strange. It would attract too much attention if I used it."  
  
"Artemis isn't exactly normal. But you chose Katherine."  
  
"I chose Kip. Mother named me Katherine." Kip took the platter and set it back on the counter, retrieving a cup for Mulch and filling it with apple juice from the fridge before setting it on the counter. The dwarf climbed up on a chair and drank greedily. "This would be the reason I believed so readily."  
  
"And the reason Root couldn't find any mention of her before," Mulch agreed, wiping his bread and holding the cup out for a refill. "Soon as I figured out who she was, I stole the record Chix had filed."  
  
"To protect you?" Artemis leaned on the countertop.  
  
"To protect his safe house," Kip corrected. "And I decided to let him stay a bit, so I could learn about my father's people, just to know what I might be able to do."  
  
"And how much can you do?" He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"All of it." Kip looked at the platter of broken cookies. "The floor's clean," she said, placing it in front of Mulch, who dived right in.  
  
"You know each other really well," Artemis observed, snagging some for himself, which was totally out of character.  
  
"I'd say he knows more about me than anyone else in the world," she agreed, opening the fridge again. "Milk?"  
  
"Sure, thanks. These are good." He raised the chocolate chip cookie. "Even better than your mother? How well he knows you, I mean."  
  
Mulch coughed on a few crumbs but quickly silence himself. Kip was giving Artemis a strange look. "My mother was dead before I was born. It was a car crash. They thought there would be a father or someone to come and claim me." She set the milk in front of him.  
  
"But you said she named you Katherine."  
  
"Yes. They told her she might have to deliver early, and she said 'My baby's name is Katherine Tanardawen.' She even wrote it down, to make sure they spelled it right."  
  
Artemis cleared his throat. "Chix said he found her, after he found out about you, and put her under the Mesmer again, to tell her what name he wanted to give you."  
  
She snorted. "Maybe there are some circumstances in which the Mesmer should be used, but not like that. It's rape, plain and simple."  
  
Being a typical guy, Artemis wasn't sure he wanted to stray onto this topic. "But she, ah, did it willingly."  
  
"Under the Mesmer. It's as if he slipped something in her drink." Kip shrugged. "It doesn't bother me, really. I mean, it can't; I've never known different."  
  
Mulch was keeping quiet, but he wanted to point out the expression on the Mud Boy's face when he looked at her. It was something to note, definitely, though not when he was in the room.  
  
Artemis cleared his throat after a moment. "You're . . . not what I expected."  
  
Kip laughed slightly. "Neither are you." And, using that as a farewell, Artemis went out the door and down the hall to his own apartment.  
  
Mulch raised an eyebrow. "He likes you."  
  
"Mulch," she said warningly.  
  
"He won't be able to get you out of his head," the dwarf predicted happily. "You're going to haunt his dreams."  
  
Kip just glared at him, refilling his apple juice one last time before going off to bed. But the problem was, Artemis was all too present in her mind, as well, and it was a long time before she managed to drift off to sleep. 


	5. It's a Date

- Minnesota, the middle of nowhere -  
  
Kip couldn't do anything but stare. Finally her mouth started to work again. "Joe. This is your big idea to attract more business?"  
  
"Yep." He patted the contraption that took up a corner of the café.  
  
"Well . . . are you sure you won't end up . . . scaring them away?" Liz voiced the thought that everyone had, but they did not feel it their place to criticize him in such a way.  
  
"'Course not. We've the perfect songbird here to attract them." Joe pointed at their youngest employee. "What do you say, Kip? Be the first to try it out?"  
  
Kip barely stopped herself from shaking her head. "Joe, really. A karaoke machine is not the sort of thing truckers want. They want food, fast, now, and perhaps the scores of the most recent football game."  
  
"And we're expanding." Joe hitched his pants up on his narrow hips. "We're catering to other tastes, not just truckers anymore. And you'll be the one to start us off, kid."  
  
"Joe - "  
  
"Because it'll be counted in your work hours." He raised an eyebrow. "Eh? Now I'm talking, huh?" He was already turning it on, making the screen glow blue and the microphone hot. "All I have to do is type in the number of the song -" there was a notebook in front of him with titles "- and you're set."  
  
It was making her nervous, all of them standing around her as she held the mic in her hand, cool against her palm. "Then I'll just choose one - "  
  
But the music was already playing. He had taken the liberty of selecting one, yelled at the cooks to get back to work and for Liz to seat the people coming in - God, why did he have to do this just as the dinner rush was starting? - but the words were already scrolling across the screen. Not that she needed them. Backstreet Boys, "As Long As You Love Me." Joe's idea of a joke, most likely.  
  
"Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine  
  
I'm leaving my life in your hands  
  
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind  
  
Risking it all in a glance  
  
How you got me blind is still a mystery  
  
I can't get you out of my head  
  
Don't care what is written in you history  
  
As long as you're here with me"  
  
Right, and this was just what she needed: Artemis and Butler, seated in a booth just across the way. There must be a reason they gave you a screen with the lyrics: you could always look there, like you didn't know them already, and pretend you didn't see anybody staring at you.  
  
* * *  
  
"Every little thing  
  
That you have said and done  
  
Feels like it's deep within me  
  
Doesn't really matter  
  
If you're on the run  
  
It seems like we're meant to be"  
  
Her voice was beautiful; it didn't take any sort of musical genius to figure that out, and Artemis really had no say in that field. Both his parents were tone deaf. But, when Kip was singing - it just blew him away. What was it, three nights since they had spoken? Four? And she was always on his mind. What was happening to him?  
  
Butler smiled, amused at his young master's distress. He had to end up discovering girls sooner or later, and now seemed like the right time.  
  
* * *  
  
Kip was ready to surrender both the mic and her position when the song was over, but Joe had already conjured up a trucker who was willing to do a duet with her on "I Got You Babe." Then it was an older man and "I Remember it Well," then someone requested another Backstreet Boys song, and . . . she was willing to be she would not be serving tables that night, as she was only working until seven anyway. And her throat hurt; she was not going to be able to keep this up.  
  
"One more," Joe told her when it was 6:58. "And then you can go."  
  
Kip started to agree when she realized who he was pushing to the other mic. "You sing?" She could not help having it come out as disbelief.  
  
"Apparently he thinks I do." Artemis gestured to Joe. "That, and I'll take you out for desert."  
  
"What? I haven't even eaten yet!"  
  
"Then I'll buy you dinner."  
  
"But I -"  
  
But Joe had started the music, and she almost cringed when she heard it. Besides the boy band songs and the love duets, Joe must have picked up some Broadway: "The Phantom of the Opera" was blaring in tinny organ music around them. Kip took a deep breath:  
  
"In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came  
  
that voice which calls to me, and speaks my name  
  
and do I dream again, for now I find  
  
the Phantom of the Opera is there, inside my mind"  
  
And then Artemis took over with  
  
"Sing once again with me, our strange duet  
  
my power over you is stronger yet  
  
and though you turn from me to glance behind  
  
the Phantom of the Opera is there, inside you mind"  
  
Kip had to admit he had a rather nice voice, though he seemed not to realize it; he practically threw the mic at Joe when he was done, turning to Kip. "So. Dinner?"  
  
She hesitated slightly. "With or without Butler?" Though she had really already made up her mind.  
  
He rolled his eyes. "Without."  
  
"Where, then?" She stopped at the coat rack to pick up her windbreaker.  
  
Artemis held the door for her. "What sounds good?"  
  
She smiled. "Something hot and greasy. There's a McDonald's around the corner."  
  
He frowned slightly; she seemed to be suggesting the cheapest thing he could buy her. Then again, if it was what she wanted . . . "Sure. Let's go there, then."  
  
She smiled.  
  
* * *  
  
Artemis sipped his Coke - diet - and studied the girl sitting across from him. She was wonderful, as a person, when not talking about her history. "Penny for your thoughts," he said lazily; she had been silent a while.  
  
Kip smiled at her fries. "I was just thinking . . . you're really nice when you're not intent on making me go to them."  
  
"Not otherwise?" He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Artemis, with all the stories I've heard about you . . . God, you actually seem human." She winced. "I meant that in a nice way."  
  
"I know you did."  
  
"Oh. Right." She took a sip of her Coke - regular. "Just, sometimes I say something and people take it the wrong way. I guess I just don't use the right words to begin with."  
  
"Do you write poetry?"  
  
"What?" She gave him a quizzical look over her Big Mac. For a moment he was distracted by wondering how she stayed so thin, if this was her normal appetite.  
  
"I, uh, asked if you write poetry. Because poets have to choose all the proper words to get their points across." He stuck his straw in his mouth in order to keep himself from saying anything else that sounded stupid.  
  
Kip laughed. "Yes, but poets are able to have second drafts and editors. When you say something, you can't always take it back and rephrase it so it comes out the way you really meant it. People say 'I take that back,' but you can't, really. If it was really hurtful, someone's going to remember it a long time."  
  
Artemis wasn't sure what to say to that. He had usually been the one saying the words, not the one hurt by them.  
  
She studied him. His hair had a bit of curl to it, where it was getting long, and there was no maniacal glint in his eye that all the stories seemed to put there automatically. His eyes were a dark blue, almost a black in the right light. Artemis Fowl was definitely handsome, she decided. And then she caught herself wondering if he had a girlfriend back home.  
  
* * *  
  
The evening had stretched longer than Artemis had dared hope. After McDonald's they had walked back to the apartment and played half a million rounds of double solitaire, talking and laughing as if they had known each other for a long time. Finally, when neither of them could stifle yawns, he made one last try: "Could you at least come back with me and tell them you want nothing to do with them?"  
  
Kip paused a moment, cards half back in their boxes. "I might have the money for a ticket, but not for a place to stay."  
  
"And I really don't want to use the chutes to go back." Artemis made a face. "We'll fly together and you can stay with me. Not like we don't have extra rooms."  
  
Kip quirked an eyebrow. "Your parent's won't mind?"  
  
He shrugged. "I don't think so. I'll call them tomorrow and let them know you're coming. That is, you are coming, correct?"  
  
He looked hopeful, something Kip found very endearing. "I'll see how much time I can get off work and when I can leave."  
  
"Good." The smile came all too easily to his face, though he didn't bother to notice. "Tell me tomorrow so I can get the tickets."  
  
"I will." She caught herself with a stupid grin on her face after he left and immediately tried to wipe it off. Except, she wasn't completely successful. At least Mulch had had the sense to stay in the kitchen and keep his mouth shut. Shaking her head in amusement, Kip went to her room and was assured of happy dreams. 


	6. But Nobody's Home

- Fowl Manor, Ireland -  
  
Angeline Fowl got off the phone with her son, a bemused smile on her face. "What is it?" Artemis Fowl Senior asked, looking over his newspaper. Although he had gotten a prosthesis for his leg, plastic surgery could not completely hide the scars that were the all-too-visible reminders of his time in Russia.  
  
"Arty's bringing a friend back with him."  
  
"Oh? What's his name?"  
  
Angeline raised an eyebrow. "Her name is Katherine."  
  
He stared at her. "My God, has he actually found a girl?"  
  
"Certainly sounds like it." Angeline picked up her crocheting. "She has never met her father, but supposedly has found enough information to think he might be around here somewhere. Always the gentleman, Arty offered to have her stay here for a while and was calling to make sure it was all right with us."  
  
"And the, ah, friend he was originally visiting? The one from the university?"  
  
"Mysteriously disappeared." Mrs. Fowl smiled at her work. "I hate to read too much into this, but I doubt Arty will be returning to the university in the fall."  
  
"You've enough of a memory to believe in love at first sight." The elder Artemis took her hand, a tender smile on his face.  
  
Angeline gave it a squeeze. "Exactly. Now, which room should we prepare for her?"  
  
- Place Unknown -  
  
It had been a sudden attack; that was all Foaly, Holly, Chix, and Root could agree upon. They were the only four fairies in their cell, though it was an interesting sort of cell. The walls were a sort of neon orange that was just barely translucent enough to let in light. Sometimes they were able to see large shapes going past, presumably their captors. Who their captors were, and what they wanted, was anyone's guess.  
  
Foaly was most distressed by the nature of their prison. They stayed almost directly in the middle of the circle of floor space; if any of the fairies tried to move to the walls, there was increasing uneasiness that led to pain so unbearable that they could not get within two feet of the wall, much less search for a way out.  
  
They did not speak much; they had said it all before and did not want to just have to get mad at everyone all over again. They were going stir- crazy, and you do not want to be in a room when two fairies, a centaur, and a sprite go stir crazy. Root was routinely a deep purple color, Holly snapped at them, Chix was overly defensive, and Foaly was just plain sarcastic. Three times a day - they guessed, as they had no means of telling time - food slid through what seemed to be a rip in the wall.  
  
Foaly sighed. He wondered if Artemis had found the girl yet, if he had noticed they had not been contacting them regularly, if he would ever have to deal with the Mud Boy again . . . Once a day - guessing the day, of course - there was an all-too-close scream that sounded like a fairy being tortured, and it always cut off abruptly. As if the fairy passed out, or . . . Foaly shuddered. He did not want to think about that.  
  
He wanted to get out of here, or at least figure out what was going on. The only problem was, no one really knew if anyone out there knew they were in here, and it's kind of hard to have a team rescue you when they don't even know you need help.  
  
- Minnesota, the middle of nowhere -  
  
Kip was actually kind of nervous about asking Joe for the time off, especially because she had to do it in the kitchen in front of everyone else. He was giving her a strange look. "Kid, you've never asked for time off in the years you've been here - never even taken a sick day - and now you want an indefinite amount of time as soon as possible? What's going on?"  
  
She sighed. She may as well stick as close to the truth as possible. "After eighteen years my dad's shown an interest in trying to find me. I'm going to Great Britain to meet him there."  
  
"Great Britain?" Liz popped her gum.  
  
"I don't have to pay for the ticket."  
  
Joe seemed to be measuring her. "Your father."  
  
"So he claims."  
  
"After eighteen years. Kid, you sure you want to do this?"  
  
No. "Yes."  
  
Joe sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "You're going alone?"  
  
Great, now they would be laughing at her. "With Artemis and his . . . uncle. They sort of know the guy, except they don't really trust him completely - "  
  
"Neither do we," Liz muttered.  
  
"- so they're going with me."  
  
Joe nodded slowly. "Right, then. You be safe, you hear? You can take as much time as you need. If you decide to stay over there, good luck. If you come back, we'll gladly take you back. You leave as soon as you want."  
  
Kip's eyes suddenly threatened to fill with tears. These people - Liz, Joe, the cook who was trying to ignore them - they were close enough to be her family. "Thank you," she managed, barely stopping herself from giving Joe a big hug.  
  
"You let us know how this turns out, kid," Liz ordered sternly, except she looked a bit weepy, as well.  
  
Kip promised she would and went out to take an order before they burst into tears and made Joe feel more than a bit exasperated with his two best waitresses.  
  
- Somewhere over the Atlantic -  
  
Kip had been wringing her hands, so Artemis - feeling infinitely brave - reached over and laced his fingers through hers. "Hey, you're all right."  
  
"It's my first time on a plane, Artemis." She was not looking at him, yet she did not pull away. "And now I'm having doubts about actually meeting this guy. I've gone almost nineteen years without knowing him; you ask me, I could go the rest of my life."  
  
"Well, just because you're coming with me doesn't mean you have to actually see him." That was getting into something he didn't want to talk about at the moment, so he changed the subject. A bit. "I think you'll like my parents."  
  
"Are they anything like you?" Kip grinned at him mischievously.  
  
"Would you like them better if they were?"  
  
Her cheeks had a definite pink tinge. "Possibly."  
  
Artemis smiled, relaxing back in his seat, though the armrest was bothering him - it was rather uncomfortable to keep holding her hand with it down. "Mind if we get rid of this?"  
  
"Go for it." She helped him put it back with her free hand, leaning against him slightly once it was gone, not really looking him in the eye. "Artemis?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"What did you tell them about me?"  
  
He hesitated. "What did I tell them, or what do they probably suspect?" he asked finally.  
  
Her grip tightened. "You don't care if I never see him, do you? You just want me to come back with you."  
  
"Kip . . . I've never felt this was about anyone." Artemis was glad they were seated; it was easier to say when not looking her in the eyes, since, this way, he did not have to see if she laughed at him. "I couldn't just go back, and leave you there. Never see you again . . . "  
  
She smiled. "I'm glad Butler had to travel coach."  
  
He turned to look at her and their noses bumped. Kip pulled back a bit, though he was still holding her hand. "I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope: one wrong step and I'll fall."  
  
"Then walk slowly, and you won't."  
  
Her eyes had him captivated. God, she could be using the Mesmer on him right now, and he wouldn't care. Artemis simply transferred her hand to his other one and the settled back, his arm around her, to watch the in-flight movie.  
  
- Fowl Manor, Ireland -  
  
Angeline Fowl smiled at her husband. "Well?"  
  
The elder Artemis shrugged. "He has it, and he has it bad."  
  
"She is a rather nice girl," Butler said, standing stiffly in the corner. Under normal circumstances he would have still been with Artemis, even in his own house, but since Kip was around . . . well, the rules were being bent.  
  
"She seems like it." Angeline picked up her knitting. "And she's looking for her father?" The way she said it showed she would not be surprised if that had been a story concocted to get Kip to come back with Artemis, and she would not mind, either.  
  
"Actually, that part is true." Butler would have smiled smugly if he had been a man to do such a thing, but paid bodyguards rarely did. "We have a contact, a sort of go-between who is going to send word to us where this . . . man . . . is, and when he wants to meet her."  
  
Mr. Fowl frowned. "An eighteen year old American girl in Ireland going to meet a man who may or may not be lying?"  
  
"You will be going with her, of course," Angeline said. "I figure I do not have to tell Arty."  
  
The general laughter showed the entire room was in agreement on that one.  
  
- Operations Booth -  
  
Mulch was afraid. He had come down here to scope out the territory and perhaps leave a message for Foaly or someone to find, saying the girl was in Ireland and to contact her at Fowl Manor, but it was eerily empty. The machines that made the pressure so deep below the surface the same as aboveground was not running, which was fine for Mulch, but humans, at least, would be having trouble breathing.  
  
What was even scarier was that there was no sign of a struggle. Everyone was just . . . gone. Even the computers in Foaly's booth had been carefully removed so the wall- and floor-paneling was not even scratched. Mulch was feeling quite creeped out as he began the long tunnel to Ireland and Fowl Manor. 


	7. So That's What They Call a Family

- Fowl Manor, Ireland -  
  
Mrs. Fowl smiled at Kip as she served her a whole stack of pancakes. "How do you like your room? Is it big enough?"  
  
Kip laughed. "I think it's fine, Mrs. Fowl. My whole apartment isn't that big."  
  
"She's right, you know," Artemis said, passing Kip the maple syrup. "Those things are tiny."  
  
"And cheap," Kip agreed, taking a bite. "Mmm, this is good! I've had nothing but TV dinners and my own cooking for ages."  
  
"And McDonald's," Artemis reminded her.  
  
"Like that compares to this."  
  
Just then Butler walked in. "This was on the front step," he said, holding up an envelope with the name "Narda" scrawled on it in an untidy hand.  
  
"Oh. Yes, thanks." Kip reached for it.  
  
Angeline raised an eyebrow. "Narda?"  
  
"Yeah. Tanardawen's my middle name, but I prefer Narda. Like I prefer Kip to Katherine, except more people call me that." She slit it open and smoothed the paper out on the table to read. Artemis leaned closer to look at it over her shoulder, ignoring the withering glance his mother shot him.  
  
"What does it say?" It was written in the English alphabet, at least, but he could not understand it, not even with the translator. Maybe that only worked with sounds; he'd have to ask Foaly and maybe have the centaur come up with translating contacts or something.  
  
Kip frowned. "'I remember I was supposed to meet you last night, but you know me, always late. The sunset was sure pretty, though. Hey, remember that movie you showed me? I can't believe I actually thought she said she fell off the ladder in Yorkshire. Like that made any sense. Well, have to run.'"  
  
Angeline laughed. "That's it? That's what your contact sent you? It's a bunch of rubbish?"  
  
Kip looked at Artemis. "We need to talk."  
  
"What, something I can't know?" His mother was only half joking.  
  
"Come on." Artemis took her hand and led Kip outside to the back garden. "You know what it means."  
  
"I think so. Mulch will meet us tonight at sunset; I think that's the first part, about being late and it being pretty."  
  
"And the part about the movie? He doesn't even tell us where."  
  
"But he does." Kip rolled her eyes. "Look, the day we met, I think it was Butler who said he didn't see me there, and I said his aim would prove otherwise. I was quoting this movie, 'Ever After.'"  
  
"I've never seen it. And obviously I don't remember."  
  
She rolled her eyes. "Anyway, it's my favorite movie, and I've watched it with Mulch over at least half a dozen times. There's this scene where someone asks Danielle where she was, and Mulch thought she said she fell off the ladder in Yorkshire, which makes no sense since the movie takes place in France."  
  
Artemis rubbed his forehead. "You know, you're really making me feel stupid."  
  
"Then maybe you should get out more! What she really said was that she fell off the ladder in the orchard. So, where's the nearest orchard?"  
  
"That way, a mile or so." Artemis pointed west.  
  
"So then we should be there at sunset."  
  
"It's a big orchard."  
  
Kip shrugged. "He'll find us."  
  
Artemis shook his head in amazement. "For some reason I can't picture Mulch coming up with such a complicated way of telling us this."  
  
"Why, are fairies usually a bit stupid?" She tucked the letter in her pocket.  
  
"Just your father. But I'm glad he was." Artemis caught her around the waist. "Very glad."  
  
Kip laughed. "Artemis?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Just shut up and kiss me."  
  
So he did. After all, she gave him no choice.  
  
* * *  
  
* * *  
  
An explanation might be needed at this moment. Say, a bit of what happened since Artemis Fowl the First returned from Russia. At that time Artemis fowl the Second was most definitely a criminal, a thirteen-year-old whose mannerisms and vocabulary made other people look twice to be sure he wasn't just a short middle-aged man. Now, however, this hard-hearted criminal is hopelessly in love with Kip. What's the deal?  
  
Part of that change deals with were we left him last: back at a boarding school waiting for the news that his father had indeed been rescued. Two years under the "care" of the Mafia had done a bit to drive the criminal blood out of Artemis the First. In the beginning, Arty scoffed and said his father had gone momentarily soft, but in time he would return to his old, Cola-smuggling ways.  
  
However, there was no Cola in that man's future. He was content with the current Fowl fortune - not the billions it had once been, especially since he knew nothing of the fairy gold in his son's Swiss bank account - but it was enough for him. Our hero was then kept under watchful eyes at subsequent boarding schools, none of them quite up to his standards. This seems enough to drive any genius over the edge, at the very least to insanity, but there was another incident that needs to be factored in: the boy criminal was growing up. Soon he had obtained a stature to meet his vocabulary, but then the words didn't seem to matter so much any more.  
  
You see, Artemis was bored. Going to the university and writing all the books he would be using the next year was not fun anymore, but he pushed himself to meet the deadlines, anyway. He would not admit to himself what was happening, but the sense of it was this: there was nothing left to keep him going, no magic to believe in and no bright future sparkling in gold and diamonds. Two run-ins with the LEP had answered his questions about magic and the exploitation options surrounding it.  
  
But now there was something new in his life or rather, someone. It seemed as though he and Kip had known each other forever, and yet there were still mysteries surrounding her . . . Artemis did not even ponder to think about it, but, if he had, he would have realized that, not only was she his first girlfriend, she had never had a boyfriend before him, either.  
  
It turns out Artemis the Second was not the first in the Fowl family to encounter the people of the Lower Elements. Lord Hugo de Fole, shortly after hiring Virgil butler to be his bodyguard, did some minor forgotten deed to aid a sprite. As a gift, the sprite told Lord Hugo that every singe one of his descendants would find true and enduring love - at first sight. It was a rather nice gift, thoughtfully worded, and it explained Artemis and Angeline as well as Artemis and Kip.  
  
However, there were some residents of the Lower Elements who would be rooting out this ancient and taking away his wand before the adventure was over.  
  
- Fowl Manor, Ireland -  
  
Artemis was rather put out that Butler insisted on accompanying them that evening. As close as he was to his manservant, there were definitely times when the extra protection he offered would not be needed. After all, three was a crowd.  
  
Kip gave him a playful shove, almost making him stumble as they trekked toward the orchard. "You look way too serious."  
  
"I'm a serious sort of person." He brushed imaginary dust from his shirt.  
  
"Yeah, but you look nicer when you smile." She tucked herself under his arm, slipping her own around his waist. "Better than when you scowl, anyway."  
  
"I wasn't scowling."  
  
"And the moon's made of green cheese," she agreed happily.  
  
Artemis just shook his head, partially from her statement and partially because she was so openly showing how she felt about him. Kip certainly did not seem to care that Butler was right behind them as they crossed the open field, though, to Artemis, his presence was quite noticeable.  
  
"How will we find Mulch?" Butler asked as they reached the orchard.  
  
"Vibrations in the soil. He'll find us." Kip shielded her eyes; the sun was just setting. "Except he may be a bit; doesn't like going out in the sunlight, if he can help it."  
  
Butler nodded. "There will be no moon tonight."  
  
"Not much fairy traffic, then," Artemis observed.  
  
Kip was about to say something when she felt him stiffen in pain. Butler was immediately at his master's other side to take his weight as he lost consciousness and lower him gently to the grass. "His pulse is racing," the giant man muttered, a look of concern on his face as he loosened Artemis' collar.  
  
Kip put a shaky hand to his forehead. "He's freezing. Ow!" She had brushed his hair away from his face, fingertips grazing the translator and causing it to emit orange sparks. The shock went all the way up her arm, making her give it a shake to try and restore proper feeling. "It's that. It has to be."  
  
"Damn Foaly," Butler said none too softly. "What the hell is he doing?" He turned Artemis' head to get a better look at the black crescent, but he had no idea how it had been affixed. "I don't dare try and take it off."  
  
Kip sucked in a deep breath. "We have to."  
  
"What? How do you know?"  
  
"Just - a feeling." She wiped her palms on her pants. "Would you - give me some room? I'm not exactly sure . . ."  
  
Butler anxiously backed up a few meters. Kip was ready for the shock this time and blue lightning raced down her arm to meet it, the healing power stretching out to include Artemis, as well. After a tense minute the translator came loose into her hand and Butler began to breathe again, but still too soon. It caught them completely off guard as it exploded in her hand.  
  
- Place Unknown -  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Well what?"  
  
An exasperated sigh. "Did it work? Did we get rid of the stupid Mud Boy?"  
  
"It exploded, Captain, just like you asked."  
  
"But we were getting some strange readings before - "  
  
"Shut up, Mo! He wasn't asking you.  
  
Mo sulked. "Well, excuse me!"  
  
A righteous smirk. "Like I said, Cap', exploded. Those stupid fairies embed their translators through the skull and right into the brain. Even if they tried getting it out, he'd never survive."  
  
The captain smiled, satisfied. "Good. On with the plan." And they all got back to work. 


	8. Out of the Frying Pan

- Orchard, Ireland -  
  
Artemis regained consciousness just as the translator exploded, the bright orange light hurting his eyes. It felt as though someone had stuffed his head with cotton, plugging his ears with it and using some to dry out his mouth just for good measure. It took him a moment to remember where he was, sitting up and holding a hand to his head. The flash made it all that much harder to see in the growling darkness, but there were voices.  
  
"Narda!"  
  
"Mulch, nice of you to show up." There was a sharp intake of breath, as if she were in pain.  
  
"We need to get you to a doctor." The concern in butler's voice was thinly veiled, and Butler - in fact, his entire family - didn't scare easily.  
  
"Kip." Artemis shook his head to clear it, looking toward the small circle of light from Butler's flashlight. "Oh my God."  
  
She grimaced. "Yeah, not my color, really." Her right hand from the elbow down was covered with orange goo that clung to her and yet also seemed to be burning her skin as she tried to wipe it off with the hem of her shirt.  
  
Butler reached out gingerly with his handkerchief, dabbing at her wrist. "Katherine, I really think - "  
  
"That we should explain to a doctor that I was injured by an exploding translator that made it possible for the wearer to speak gnomish? Please." Here eyes were closed and she was quite pale.  
  
Butler, despite being cautious, had gotten some of the slime on his fingers. He rubbed it experimentally on his palm before discarding the handkerchief entirely. "This burns you?" he asked, taking her hand in his own and starting to peel the goopy layer off.  
  
Kip hissed in pain. "No, don't stop - get it off, please." She swallowed. "Yes, that burns."  
  
"It's for fairies only, then," Mulch muttered. "They figured it out . . ."  
  
"Who figured what out?" Artemis said testily. He didn't like seeing Kip like this.  
  
"The Gremlins. They've always wanted to take the Earth back from the Mud Men, but the fairies have always been strong enough to stop them. That's where everyone is. The Lower Elements are empty," he continued quickly. "My guess is they've been captured by the Gremlins. That's fairy magic there," he explained, indicating the stuff on Kip's arm. "Fairy magic, taken forcibly and then processed by the Gremlins. Their entire world only works with fairy magic."  
  
"Good for them." Kip was pressing her face into Butler's shoulder with the pain, but Artemis was on the wrong side of her to comfort her. That, and he was doubting he could stand.  
  
"So they've been captured and taken . . . where? For what?" Artemis asked. "Why would they want to hurt Kip?"  
  
"They didn't; if she hadn't taken that off you, that would've been your brains spattered all around here. They've heard about you, I guess, from Holly's memory or something, because they see you as a threat." Mulch sighed. "Look, I'll put it simply: the Gremlins are forcibly removing the fairies of their magic one by one in preparation for taking over the world. And they got help, somehow, from someone else."  
  
"There." Butler had thoroughly cleaned off her arm, which now looked like it had suffered a second degree burn. "We'll just get you back to the house and bandage that up."  
  
Kip nodded stiltedly. "My magic's not working on it."  
  
"It won't. That orange stuff - it drains magic when you touch it. When you get close to it, it hurts so bad you don't want to touch it."  
  
"How do you know all this?" Artemis asked, irritated.  
  
"History. They've tried this before, but they didn't manage to get everyone." Mulch looked scared.  
  
Butler nodded. "There's nothing we can do tonight but get back to the Manor and get some rest. Artemis, can you walk?"  
  
In answer the young man climbed to his feet, wavering a bit, but staying vertical. "I should be able to."  
  
"Good." Butler nodded, picking Kip up. "You're coming with us," he told Mulch, starting back home through the darkness.  
  
Artemis sighed, following. Like they needed anything more difficult at the moment. "Come on," he said to Mulch, as the dwarf seemed hesitant. "We've enough extra rooms for you." God, he was really looking forward to his waterbed and feather pillows tonight. They couldn't get back soon enough.  
  
- Fowl Manor, Ireland -  
  
Artemis had never had a hangover, but he was willing to bet it was not worse than this. His brain was still in a fog when he woke up the next morning, something even a long hot shower couldn't clear, and the light was really painful to his eyes. Basically, sleep had done nothing to make him feel better, and he was betting popping aspirin like candy wasn't going to help much, either, but it was worth a shot.  
  
When he came out of his room it was to meet a disgusted Juliet, Butler's little sister who looked out for Angeline. "I don't get what the big deal is, Arty," she said, popping her gum loudly. "Not like there's anything wrong with that girl."  
  
Artemis winced at the nickname his mother had for him, putting a hand to his head like he could squeeze some sense out of it. "What?"  
  
Juliet just rolled her eyes. "Breakfast'll be ready once you get downstairs," she said over her shoulder, already headed toward the kitchen.  
  
"Artemis!"  
  
There was no other voice he wanted to hear more at that moment. "Kip," he sighed, turning around.  
  
She smiled. "You look awful."  
  
He caught her right hand. "You look better." There was no sign of the previous night's damage.  
  
"I suppose my magic grows back." She disentangled her fingers from his own, running them along his hairline where the translator had been. The result was instantaneous relief.  
  
Artemis sighed, taking her hand once more in his own. "That's more like it."  
  
She hugged him, tucking her head under his chin. "That really scared me last night. If I'd been a second too slow -"  
  
"But you weren't." He held her tightly. "We're both fine."  
  
"Artemis." Kip pulled back, looking up at him. "It's going to be dangerous, going after them."  
  
He recognized how she instantly knew they would be accepting the assumed task. "That's what Butler's for."  
  
"But I feel awful, lying to your parents. How are we going to explain it, just packing up and going of for an indefinite amount of time?"  
  
Artemis hadn't even thought of that. He didn't like lying to them either, especially his mother. "I . . . will have Butler think of something," he said slowly, earning a reproving look. "Hey, I wasn't exactly bargaining for all of this, you know!"  
  
"And I was?" She narrowed her eyes slightly, but had to laugh. "All right, all right. Truce?"  
  
He was hoping that, if he stayed silent long enough, she'd kiss him.  
  
He wasn't disappointed.  
  
* * *  
  
He was developing a headache, but this time he could only blame himself. It had been a long time since he'd spent all day staring into the glow of a computer screen in a room that was not properly lit. Artemis stretched, pushing back from the desk in the study. He didn't even hear Kip come in.  
  
She stood a moment in the doorway, holding a book to her chest like it was a shield, hesitating. Finally he looked up, a smile breaking out on his face. "Hey. Mulch back yet?" Artemis had sent Mulch down into the Lower Elements while he went online, trying to figure out the same thing: where should they start looking for the Gremlin headquarters?  
  
"He was here earlier, for lunch, but he went back."  
  
Artemis frowned. "What's wrong?"  
  
She silently handed him the book and at first he was puzzled. There was a dog-eared page about halfway through - obviously she was not done reading - and it was all in Gnomish. It had been years since he's memorized the writing, years in which to forget, but two words caught his attention: Artemis Fowl. He swallowed. "What is this?"  
  
"Mulch brought it to me. It's the first half of their file on you." Kip folded her arms, leaning against the wall. "The fairy who wrote it said it was 94% fact and 6% 'unavoidable extrapolation.'"  
  
The first half of the file. That would undoubtedly cover that first incident, the kidnapping of Holly. She was only halfway through, but the second part was not bound to show him in a much better light. "I see . . ."  
  
"I don't. Artemis, did you really do that to her? Kidnap her, hold her for ransom . . ."  
  
"Yes."  
  
The words seemed to pile up so she could not get them out. "Why?" she finally asked softly.  
  
"My father'd been missing a year, my mother was undeniably and quite literally crazy with grief, and there was a very real chance we could lose the manor. I had to grow up really quickly."  
  
She snorted. "Yeah, well, so did I. I mean, first it took them years to figure out my father wasn't about to come get me, and by then any chance of adoption had passed and they just kept me in the orphanage with the nuns who schooled me and raised me, sort of, but there's only so much they can do. They're Catholic, Artemis. Do you have any idea how they view children 'born out of wedlock'?"  
  
"Kip. I was a kid, one who really thought he could get his parents back. And I did, by the way, just for the record."  
  
"And the ends justify the means? I'm trying to understand you, Arty, but it just isn't happening."  
  
Arty. That was the first time she had called him any sort of nickname and, unlike the times it came from Juliet's mouth, he knew he wanted to hear her say it again. "Come here." He took her hands, pulling her to sit on his lap and wrapping his arms around her. For a moment he was silent, just holding her. "I don't know if I can explain it," he said at last. "It's just . . . in the beginning, they weren't real. Holly wasn't like a person; she was a fairy, a means to get gold. And I wanted gold."  
  
"Gold for a mansion I could sell and live on for five lifetimes."  
  
He laughed. "I've never known anything different, remember? This is my home. And as a home . . ."  
  
"You would do anything to keep it, anything for your family."  
  
"Yes."  
  
Kip pulled back enough to look him in the eye. "We used to tell stories, in the orphanage, about the sort of families we'd want. Except even orphans don't get to choose; we're stuck with who wants us. And I got stuck with Mulch."  
  
"And me." He brushed her hair out of her eyes.  
  
"No." Kip shook her head. "I chose you. We chose each other."  
  
Artemis smiled. "So . . . you can forgive me?"  
  
Kip shrugged. "That's not who you are anymore. At least, not unless you're hiding a lot more from me."  
  
"I swear I'm not. Does that mean you don't have to read the rest?" He grinned to make fun of the hopefulness in his voice.  
  
"Nice try." She leaned back against him, breath warm on his neck. "Any luck today?"  
  
"I have absolutely no clue where to look. If their locators still worked -"  
  
"You'd probably find them on whaling ships headed off the coast and about to explode."  
  
Artemis winced. "The world could do with fewer whalers."  
  
"I'm not about to argue with you on that; it's just that, even if we could track them like that, I'm not so sure I'd trust our data. 'Course, this comes from a girl who can't even turn on a computer without frying it completely."  
  
"Ah. Then stay away from mine; I need them."  
  
"Idiot!" Kip laughed, standing up and pulling him to his feet, letting him catch her in a hug. "I love you, Arty."  
  
The smile on his face was bright enough to light a thousand cities. "I love you, too, Narda," he said softly, kissing her for good measure. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately. Not that he was complaining . . .  
  
- Haven City -  
  
Mulch was more than a little annoyed. You'd think the Gremlins would have at least been sloppy enough to leave a clue or something, some random thing that would make the light bulb go on in Artemis' head at least. After all, they probably thought he was dead.  
  
The dwarf banged his fist on the wall as he walked down a corridor, ready to give up. Heck, Artemis and Kip probably wouldn't mind a jaunt around the world under the ruse of searching for everyone else. He smiled. They might even welcome it, but they'd have to take him along, and Butler, and get back to business eventually.  
  
Mulch half-heartedly scolded himself for thinking like that. If he did it often enough, then he'd slip up sometime in front of her and she'd backhand him into a wall. She'd taken Karate and Judo lessons, at the very least. How they got those in a Catholic school, he'd no idea, but the girl was more dangerous than she looked.  
  
So, moving on, steadily pounding like a metronome, Mulch managed to send up a cloud of dust once he got to one particular stretch. It made him sneeze a couple times before he realized it was dust from the floor that had been smeared over the wall to cover faint knife marks. Faint, but readable. He thought. Well, he could read the letters, but he had no idea what they meant. That's what Artemis was for.  
  
- Place Unknown -  
  
Gremlins. The things were gremlins and they were draining the power out of the fairies one by one. How did they find this out? Sorry, Foaly, but brainpower had nothing to do with it. Just, one day, the normal slit appeared and a cloaked figure reached in to snatch Holly out. She was in terrible condition when they threw her back in, weak and, of course, drained of all magic.  
  
Root kept saying "D'Arvit" about every thirty seconds. Foaly was ready to kick him. Chix was simply sitting on the floor, shaking from the toes of his boots to the tips of his little pointy ears.  
  
But it wasn't just the fact that they realized the Gremlins were actually close to being able to take back the world - it was the fact that Holly had "accidentally" overheard them talking about the murder of Artemis Fowl, the only one on the outside who even had a chance of rescuing him.  
  
So, in this case, "D'Arvit" meant "We're doomed." Loosely translated, of course. 


	9. I Can See Clearly Now

- Fowl Manor, Ireland -  
  
Angeline had been warned: "His name's Mulch and he's a dwarf," Kip had said before going upstairs to the study to be with Arty. She had some sort of strange book in her hand, turned so the title wasn't visible, but the cover itself was different. Anyway, the doorbell rang around ten o'clock and, Juliet being off somewhere, Angeline answered it.  
  
"Dwarf" certainly seemed like a good warning: the man was three feet tall. "Good morning, Mrs. Fowl," he said pleasantly, flashing yellowish teeth from somewhere within his beard. "Is Narda available?"  
  
Angeline had the feeling that Kip knew this man more than she was letting on, especially if he called her "Narda." Just that morning Juliet had addressed her as such and her eyes narrowed, correcting the servant to "Kip, please." "You must be Mulch. They're in the study."  
  
"Thank you," Mulch said, insisting he knew the way himself. She didn't bother asking how.  
  
"I don't believe it," Kip was saying, seated in the oversized window seat, head bent over a book.  
  
"What?" Artemis asked. He was at a computer, for some odd reason playing hearts.  
  
"This guy is an idiot!" She pointed at something in her book. "I mean, there was enough to come to that conclusion in your first criminal record - "  
  
"I resent that!"  
  
"But here, Chix Verbil sounds like a complete idiot, a guy who only thinks with his - oh, hey, Mulch."  
  
Drat. Mulch wanted to know what she thought Chix used instead of a brain. "Hi, Narda."  
  
"And?" Artemis prompted, clicking to close the window he was on, though not before Mulch noticed he was losing.  
  
"This." Mulch gave him a Polaroid photograph. The owner of the camera would find it in the park's lost and found. "That was scratched on the wall. Thought you'd want to see it. I mean, I figured it's be for you, being in English and all."  
  
Artemis frowned at it. "Well, obviously someone wasn't caught completely unaware, but didn't think he'd end up getting away."  
  
"Well?" Kip asked, maneuvering around a printer, a monitor, and some computer cables in order to get out of the window seat. "And we'll end up going . . ."  
  
The Mud Boy - oops, Mulch corrected; Mud Man - shook his head. "I honestly have no idea. This isn't a very good clue." He passed it to her as she sat cross-legged on the floor by his feet.  
  
"What, the genius doesn't get it so he hands it to me?" She grinned at him, but couldn't help laughing as she looked at the picture. "Honestly, Arty, you need to get out more. Do you even own a TV?"  
  
"What do you think that is?" he asked, pointing to a monitor that showed Butler going on his rounds.  
  
"Cable, maybe. VCR. Video tapes. Nah, scratch that; with you it'd be DVDs. What do you do in our free time, anyway?"  
  
"Write textbooks."  
  
A light bulb seemed to go on over her head. "Oh my God. I wondered why that sounded familiar."  
  
"Excuse me?" Artemis asked wearily, in case another insult was coming.  
  
"You. You wrote the phycology book my counselor used at school. It's your fault I'm messed up."  
  
He shrugged. "If this is what you call messed up, I'll gladly take all the credit."  
  
"Arty!" She punched him lightly in the knee. "Don't you get it? They were using your method to analyze my brain. You shaped a rather large chunk of my childhood."  
  
"Seems like you turned out all right, despite it all," Mulch chimed in. "Now, what's it mean?"  
  
Kip rolled her eyes. "Right, Frankenstein. And our genius here doesn't get it."  
  
"Narda!" Artemis was pretending to pout.  
  
"Honestly, before this is over I'm going to rent a stack of all the best movies and make you watch them all! 'Ever After' -"  
  
"Chick flick," Mulch chimed in.  
  
"'The Princess Bride' -"  
  
"Funny chick flick."  
  
"Anything Mel Brooks -"  
  
"I'll join you on those!"  
  
"Katherine Tanardawen Anderson!"  
  
"Artemis Fowl Junior!" she replied happily. "All right, all right. Look, Frankenstein was the doctor who built the humanoid monster, usually portrayed as green with a scar on his forehead and bolts coming out of his neck."  
  
"I thought the thing was called Frankenstein."  
  
"No, just his monster."  
  
"Wait!" Mulch was thinking. It looked like hard work. "The Gremlins tried to do that a few centuries ago, make a better Mud Man."  
  
"So Mary Shelley had some help with her book." Kip shrugged. "Anyway, that took place in Germany, in the Black Forest, because supposedly Dr. Frankenstein knew there were witches in the area and wanted their help."  
  
Artemis sat back with a smile. Germany. Now they were getting somewhere.  
  
* * *  
  
Angeline Fowl thought it was cute how, in some ways, Kip and Arty were exact opposites. Within the first few days she picked up that Kip was much more casual. She would flop down on the floor when reading a book, head propped up on her hand, where Arty would always - always - sit carefully, back ramrod straight on a sofa or chair. He had made some comment about this to her and she had laughed. "Yeah, well, first off, your floors are probably a lot cleaner than the one in my apartment. That, and your shirts weren't three for five bucks at a Goodwill clearance sale." Actually, Angeline thought it was good for Arty to be around her in that aspect. He had never been very relaxed, not even in the few short years she could actually consider him a child.  
  
Kip balanced him in other ways, too. While he was a complete whiz with anything technological, she was telling the truth when she said jokingly that she could barely turn on a computer without having it explode in her face. Something about her just made the things go haywire. And the fact that she was joking, often laughing and smiling - Angeline had seen her son laugh more in the few days he had been back with her than in his entire lifetime.  
  
Angeline honestly liked the girl, partially because she seemed so devoted to Arty. When they were together, more often than not she would be holding his hand, touching his shoulder, or giving him a playful punch on the arm. The expression in her eyes when she looked at him - it made Angeline think back to when she and Tim had first met. It was exactly the same look, she was sure, and even more so because the looks Arty gave Kip when he thought she wasn't looking exactly imitated the looks Tim had given her.  
  
She sighed happily, looking at the new picture standing on the mantelpiece in a frame of delicate silver filigree. It had been taken by one of the security cameras, so it was in black and white, but enlarged and printed on photo quality paper, it was priceless. Arty and Kip in the window seat, his arm around her and their heads bent together as they read over something. Angeline had felt like a spy when she froze the image, and perhaps even more so when she put the frame in such a prominent place, but this was the picture she wanted to send out on the wedding invitations.  
  
Whoops. Better not mention that when Arty was around. He'd get all flustered and his ears would turn pink like they had when Juliet had flippantly asked him if he'd French kissed Kip yet. The thought made Angeline laugh. Arty, embarrassed? Before, she would not have thought such a thing possible. Then again, the thought of Arty in love would have made her scoff, until she met Kip.  
  
The girl was definitely staying, Angeline decided. No ifs, ands, or buts. That firmly in her mind, she picked up a dog-eared romance novel and began to read it for the fifth time.  
  
This might help the reader understand why, when Juliet knocked on her door and informed her, flicking her long blonde hair over her shoulder, that Arty and that girl wanted to talk to Mr. and Mrs. Fowl, Angeline had a pre- formed idea of what the matter of such importance would be. Therefore, when Kip took a deep breath, looked at her hands, and said, "My father has been kidnapped," neither Angeline nor her husband quite knew what to say.  
  
Finally she asked, "You know it's him for sure?"  
  
"Positive." Kip looked up. "And that's not all."  
  
"Oh?" Artemis Senior raised an eyebrow. "And the rest would be . . ."  
  
"He's a sprite and he was kidnapped by Gremlins intent on taking the world back from humans."  
  
Artemis Junior would not have worded it quite that way, but he wasn't the one telling the story. Kip had said she would, and, in doing so, mention only his own second involvement with the LEP, leaving out the kidnapping story and all the baggage that entailed. So he was letting her do this her own way.  
  
Angeline looked rather shocked. "Pardon me for asking, Kip, but have you ever undergone psychological counseling?"  
  
Kip rolled her eyes. "The answer to that would be 'yes,' but pretend for a moment I'm not crazy, okay? Look, Mulch isn't human - he's seriously a dwarf. And he's met my - my father." Her nose wrinkled at that. "Anyway, all the fairies - that's the general term for magical people - seem to have been kidnapped by the Gremlins, who are intent on taking the earth back from the Mud Men - that's humans - and Artemis, Butler, Mulch and I are going to Germany to try and set them free.  
  
"Fairies, Artemis?" the man asked his son.  
  
"Seriously, yes," he said, leveling his gaze at his father. "They helped me rescue you."  
  
He had to laugh at that. "Oh, really?"  
  
"Trust me." Kip slid a paper clipped stack of papers toward him, the People's second book on Arty, translated and edited so it did not appear to be the second. "That's the whole thing, if you're interested, but we actually need to leave soon, since we've no idea what we're getting into."  
  
Angeline was giving Kip a piercing look. "You actually believe all this."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"A fairy. Your father, a fairy." Angeline couldn't help it; she cracked up.  
  
Kip sighed, rolled her eyes, and disappeared. Well, "disappeared" was the Mud Man term; a fairy would have known she was shielding, and in doing so breaking about seventeen different fairy codes. Not like Kip usually lived by them, anyway.  
  
Artemis Senior's teeth clenched. "Explain," he barked.  
  
Artemis Junior shrugged. "She's using her magic. They call it shielding. Actually, she's just vibrating too quickly for our eyes to notice."  
  
"You're joking," Angeline said softly, eyes glued to Kip's seemingly empty chair.  
  
"No." Kip popped back into view. "We're telling the truth and, if any of the rest of them find out, we'll be in big trouble for giving away fairy secrets. But the truth is we have to go to Germany and rescue my father's people because, if the Gremlins succeed, they'll have managed to wipe out all humans rather violently."  
  
"Wait, wait." Mister Fowl held up a hand. "If the Gremlins can do this, why haven't your father's people done this yet?"  
  
"Fairies are generally peace-loving people and would rather not get into a turf war about all this."  
  
"But the . . . the Gremlins . . . are dangerous." Angeline still looked a bit pale.  
  
"Yes. That's why Butler's coming," Arty explained.  
  
"But that's one bodyguard for the two of you," Artemis Senior pointed out.  
  
"Three; you forgot Mulch."  
  
"Three, then." Artemis waved his son's comment away. "You know we don't operate like that. Every Fowl family member - or soon to be family member" - his eyes challenged anyone to speak out against that - "goes under the protection of a Butler."  
  
"But -"  
  
"No buts!" he commanded, voice resonant with authority. "Juliet! Get in here."  
  
Artemis sighed. "Why don't you just use the Mesmer?" he muttered quietly.  
  
Kip didn't answer, sitting stonily silent as Mister Fowl explained to Juliet that, because of certain circumstances, she would be accompanying Kip to Germany. Juliet looked smug. In case this was not clear before - and it probably was not - Juliet, though four years his elder, had a gigantic crush on Artemis Junior, and therefore felt nothing but jealousy toward Kip. As if she was going to let them go anywhere alone.  
  
Juliet smiled through her lipstick. "Of course I'll protect her," she said sweetly. "She obviously needs it."  
  
"And if she didn't?" Butler asked lightly. As much as he loved his baby sister, he was sure his employer would never look at her the way he looked at Kip.  
  
"Then I'd have no need to go."  
  
This was a mistake, especially because Butler nodded. That was the cue. Within thirty seconds Kip had expertly pinned Juliet three times, the second and third because the younger Butler had come after her, begging for more. "Looks like you have no need to go," Butler said lightly after Juliet got up, flinging her hair furiously over her shoulder.  
  
The Fowls were more than a little shocked. Butler, you see, had caught Kip practicing one day and the two of them had sparred. What she lacked in size, Kip made up for in speed.  
  
Finally Angeline managed a "Where did you learn that?"  
  
"The nuns," Kip said, sitting back down.  
  
"Nuns?"  
  
"At the orphanage. Because they were all positive that, one day, we would go into a big city and be 'set upon by men with unclean intentions.'" She shrugged. "And it was something to do."  
  
The elder Mister Fowl cleared his throat. "I, uh, suppose it will be the four of you, then. When are you leaving?"  
  
"Tomorrow," Butler said smoothly.  
  
"And when will you be back?" Mrs. Fowl asked weakly. She could handle Kip being part - er, fairy, or being as skilled in hand-to-hand combat as a Butler who had really had no chance to hone her skills on the job, but both? Even Arty seemed surprised that Kip was a regular Jackie Chan.  
  
Kip shrugged. "After we've succeeded."  
  
"And if we fail, then it won't really matter, anyway," Artemis said bluntly.  
  
Angeline winced. But she didn't say anything else. She decided all she wanted right then was another romance novel and a cup of strong tea. Artemis Senior decided to join her on the tea.  
  
Artemis Junior, however, looked at Kip with as much amazement and admiration as Juliet was shooting hatred across the room. "Wow," was all he could think of to say to her.  
  
Kip shrugged. She realized she would have to seem to him like Princess Fiona seemed to Shrek while battling Robin Hood and his Merry Men, except Artemis probably hadn't seen that movie. So she just laughed, going upstairs to finish packing her things, still chuckling to herself all the while.  
  
- En route to Freiburg, Germany -  
  
"Something wrong?" Artemis asked. Kip had been quiet all through the plane ride and now, speeding along a highway in a rather subdued limo, she was keeping her silence.  
  
"Arty. He did a bomb check before we got in the car."  
  
She was referring to Butler, of course. "You, ah, noticed?"  
  
Kip shot him a look. "Ah, yeah."  
  
"He does that all the time," Artemis said, trying to sound nonchalant.  
  
"I don't know what scares me more, the fact that he feels the need to do it or the fact that he does it so naturally." She leaned back on the plush seats, glad the privacy glass was up and that Mulch had been convinced he should sit in the front seat. "Is it really necessary?"  
  
"You mean, are people routinely trying to kill me?" he asked, sliding an arm around her shoulders. "Only when I'm working with Holly."  
  
"What are we going to find out there, Arty?" she asked softly, gaze searching the countryside as it whipped by. "We don't even really know what we're looking for."  
  
Artemis said nothing. For once, he didn't have all the answers.  
  
- Place Unknown -  
  
Foaly flicked his tail in annoyance. "So, what do we do?" he asked tersely.  
  
"I wouldn't talk, horse boy," Root grunted, lying on his back and gritting his teeth in pain. "You're lucky you don't have any magic for them to take."  
  
Holly was as far away from the commander as it was possible to get and not feel too uncomfortable. "They've won," she said softly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"They've won, Foaly." Her eyes turned to him. "The Gremlins have won."  
  
That was enough even to make Chix lift up his head. Holly, giving in?  
  
"It's true," she said wearily. "They have our magic, and an intelligence we didn't even think they had . . . and Artemis is gone; he's not coming to rescue us . . . we're going to die here, used up, waste away . . . and the world will belong to the Gremlins, at least, if there's anything left after the fight . . . it's over," she said, voice seeming to be firm, because she knew it to be true.  
  
Foaly didn't have anything to say to that. Sarcasm didn't seem appropriate. 


	10. Close to You

- Freiburg, Germany -  
  
They had managed to get a rather nice room in a Gasthof way back in the Black Forest - or, as Kip had started calling it, Schwarzwald. This was mainly due to the fact that she had inherited the fairy talent of languages, and both she and Mulch could speak any human tongue fluently, though sometimes with a strange accent. Anyway, it was a rather nice place, consisting of a bathroom, two bedrooms - each with two twin beds - and a sort of living room, complete with kitchenette and television. Butler, when carrying the bags upstairs, had made it clear: he and Artemis had one room, Kip the other, and Mulch had to make do with the couch. Kip had laughed at the look on Artemis' face as they went to unpack, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.  
  
Now, though, it was two days later, and Mulch was not back. He had gone off in search of anything that might lead them to the captured fairies. And Kip was going stir-crazy. "It's one of my faults, according to the nuns," she said, fiddling with her hair and getting it smoothed into a ponytail. "I have no patience."  
  
"You're just antsy," Butler said, looking rather strange in a designer suit on the obviously well-worn sofa.  
  
"Antsy?" Kip snorted. "Look, we don't really know what's going on here. I mean, can you be prepared for something when you have no idea what that something is going to be?"  
  
"Perhaps." Butler stood and Kip immediately rolled out of his way, somehow springing to her feet in time to counter his first blow. "Good," he said, though he seemed more than a little impressed. "Though I must say, that ponytail offers a great handhold."  
  
"Like I'd look better with a shaved head," she countered, dancing out of his reach and grinning as he ran a hand over his bald dome. "Besides, it'd hurt like crazy if I were somehow tall enough to whip it in your eyes."  
  
Artemis - from a safe distance in the corner - had to laugh at that. "Yeah, maybe if you shot up a couple feet."  
  
Butler straightened up from his fighter's stance, gesturing to his employer. "I won't stand in your way."  
  
Artemis didn't even have time to set his book down before she had tackled him, flipping him onto his pack and pinning his wrists. "What?" he gasped. "Can't a guy speak the truth around here?"  
  
"Obviously not," butler said calmly, picking up his newspaper and reading it again.  
  
"You're helpless," Kip said, smiling.  
  
"It would appear I am."  
  
She laughed, leaning over to kiss him, releasing his hands and taking her knee off his chest so he could sit up and take her in his arms. Butler sighed, fiddling with something in his pocket as they found something mildly interesting on television - with English subtitles - and sat there on the floor, talking and laughing in low tones. He hated one-time-use cameras more than he could tell, but Mrs. Fowl had insisted. Already he had taken five pictures on it, though the quality was most certainly questionable. Oh, well, he thought, carefully aiming and snapping another as Kip looked up at Artemis, a sparkle in her eyes. He was being paid extra for this, after all.  
  
* * *  
  
Mulch was making a mistake that, had he made it before, he would very well have learned his lesson and not be attempting it again. Except, had he already made the mistake, he may not have remembered making it; after severe blows to the head, sometimes the minutes preceding the trauma are never recovered in memory. But, for reference, it is a fact that he had not made this mistake before.  
  
The mistake? Trying to wake Kip up at one A.M.  
  
Not that this was in all actuality a bad thing. He had found the fairies, after all, and knew she would want to know as quickly as possible. Scaling the wall of the Gasthof was extremely easy, especially because it was of the old, half-timbered style, and he was a dwarf. Her window was even open about an inch to let in the soft summer breeze and it willingly slid further to admit Mulch himself.  
  
He crossed the room quickly and silently, looking to make sure he had the right room and that she was not Artemis, or - never mind; he didn't continue that thought, anyway. So, it was she, and he began to shake her arm. "Psst! Wake up!"  
  
And she did, precisely two seconds after backhanding him hard across the chest and sending him flying into the wall across the room, where he slid down, bumped into a chair, and eventually ended up on the floor. Of course, it took less time for Butler to fling open the door, weapons out and night vision goggles on, so he saw Mulch before the dwarf hit.  
  
Kip was sitting bolt upright. "What in the world are you doing?" she demanded. The gun he was quickly securing to his belt under his coat - did he actually sleep in his clothes? - was more of a concern than the fact that she was in nothing but a spaghetti strap top and some boxer shots, but she grabbed the blanket and pulled it up, anyway.  
  
"Wondering who you were karate chopping past midnight."  
  
"Karate - oh, great." Kip had caught sight of Mulch. "Idiot," she muttered, getting out of bed to see if he was still breathing and make sure his neck wasn't broken - the usual.  
  
"Are you this vicious with your alarm clocks as well?" Butler asked mildly, crouching down to see the dwarf was merely knocked out.  
  
"You don't want the story behind this."  
  
"Oh?" He raised an eyebrow, noting her look toward her still-open door. "Artemis is still asleep. You could run a stampede of elephants right by his pillow and he wouldn't as much as roll over."  
  
She might have chuckled at the image, but she was not feeling in a chuckling mood. "I told you the nuns taught all of us karate, in case - well, in case of anything, really."  
  
"You did."  
  
She was not looking at him. "They didn't teach any of the others nearly as much as they taught me."  
  
Butler was silent.  
  
Kip sighed. "Look, it's nothing, really. I -"  
  
"Part of being a bodyguard is knowing what is and what is not everyone's business."  
  
"No." She shook her head. "No, because you'll just tell me I should tell him."  
  
His pulse quickened as it usually did when he smelled something important going on, but he did not let it show. "If you think that, you probably should."  
  
Kip stood, arms crossed tightly over her chest and went to the window to shut it, as if she were cold in the still-warm night air. "It's over and done with, and nothing came of it, anyway."  
  
"Kip . . ." Butler stood. "I won't lie: I like you. I really and honestly do, and if someone hurt you -"  
  
"Tried," she corrected. "Someone tried, and he failed."  
  
"When?" he asked softly.  
  
"A . . . a bit over a year ago." She was still not looking at him. "I switched apartments right after. He - he'd climbed up in the balcony, and came in -" She shivered again. "I screamed when he - when he touched me."  
  
"And he ran away."  
  
Kip shrugged. "Not fast enough. They caught him. The nuns were furious, especially because I'd just struck out on my own, and then . . . Let's talk about something else."  
  
But Butler would not drop it. "So you proceed to beat everyone who tries to wake you up?"  
  
"Butler -"  
  
"You realize we're talking about Artemis."  
  
Her jaw clenched shut.  
  
"Butler?" Artemis' voice sounded sleepy and he could not stifle a yawn as he stood in the doorway, surveying the surroundings, injured dwarf and all. "Umm . . . what's going on?"  
  
Butler said nothing, picking up Mulch and carrying him out into the living room to lay him on the couch, shutting the door behind him. Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Well, then. How am I supposed to take that?" Kip shivered again, and he noticed. "Are you all right? It's not so cold . . ."  
  
She swallowed hard. "Cold enough."  
  
"Kip, what -?" He did not expect her to turn around with tears in her eyes and he gently took her in his arms, confused. "Narda, sweetie - what's going on?"  
  
"A nightmare," she sobbed. "Something I'd almost been able to forget . . ."  
  
And she told him. Haltingly, and she got hiccups from crying, but she managed to explain the situation vaguely enough that she could say it, yet clear enough he was livid when she finished. "That little -"  
  
"Artemis!" She pulled back to look him in the eye. "Leave it, all right? He's in jail now -"  
  
"Yeah, because he'd already done it to a bunch of other girls before he tried it one you!"  
  
"Artemis -"  
  
"Why can't you be mad at this?" he demanded. "This guy - he's just like your father. What if he'd left you in the same position your mother was in? What then? Do you think the nuns would have helped you?"  
  
"But it didn't," she insisted. "Look, I'd almost forgotten about it -"  
  
"Until you almost sent Mulch through the wall," he concluded. "Great. And if that had been me?"  
  
"First off, Butler would usually kill you before he left you and me alone together behind a closed door."  
  
"Great, so it takes the fact that some guy almost raped you to get me that privilege? I'm pleased." He spat the words out, heavy with sarcasm.  
  
Kip shoved him away, going to her wardrobe and pulling on a shirt over her camisole. That was not at all the reaction he had expected; shouting, yes, or some smart retort, but silence? And she had her back to him again, arms crossed tightly, like she was shutting him out, closing him off. "You were never going to tell me," he said slowly, trying to keep the accusation out of his voice.  
  
"Why should I?" She turned toward him, voice sharp, eyes bright from unshed tears. "To hear you say things others have said before? To remind me what could have happened? Do you think I never thought, 'Oh, God, was it like this for Mother?' Do you think I never wondered, for one brief moment, if history were about to repeat itself? You know what they think of children conceived by rape - well, maybe you don't - but do you even realize what they think of the women? They would make be think - make me honestly believe - that it were somehow my fault. And the child, if there had been one; could he think any better of his father than I do of mine? Would he be raised to hate his own existence, to despise the very fact that he lived, and breathed, and - and loved?" Kip was choked by sobs at that point, turning her face from him.  
  
Artemis, who had been taken aback by this outburst, found his fists clenched in rage. Not at her - how could he ever be mad at her? - but at the ubiquitous them. "They're wrong," he snarled. "It's not your fault, none of it. And they're horrible people for making you feel this way."  
  
She shook her head. "They're nuns, Artemis. They're supposed to know God's word, to be holy, to speak the truth."  
  
"But they're wrong." He again took her in his arms, but this time she stood stiffly, not melting in his embrace, which just made him more determined. "And I was wrong to get mad at him, if you've - put it behind you."  
  
"You almost said, 'If you've forgiven him,'" she said softly.  
  
He had. What was the point in denying it?  
  
"I don't know if I have." She seemed cold and distant, even standing right there. "I just tried to forget."  
  
"Narda . . ." He kissed her forehead, willing her to come back to him, to stop remembering and once again let it go. He should never have asked; she should have been allowed to let it stay forgotten in peace.  
  
"Oh, Artemis." Kip relented, sliding her arms around him and resting her head on his chest, letting her rock her gently and smooth her hair, though her eyes remained open, focused on something within.  
  
"I'm sorry," Artemis said softly, though, as for what, he would not have been able to put that into words. Just . . . sorry. A "Don't leave me" sort of sorry. A "Let me take away the pain" sort of sorry. A "Listen to me: I love you, and there's no reason for you to be feeling like this" sort of sorry.  
  
Her eyes closed then, and she squeezed him tightly. "I love you, too." And her tone was soft and sincere, meaning she took the last sort of sorry.  
  
A smile tugged at the corner of Artemis' mouth. "You know, the door's still closed . . ."  
  
She hit his shoulder, not quite playfully. "And I'm still raised Catholic."  
  
"That's not what I meant," he protested, feigning hurt and not entirely sure whether or not he was lying.  
  
Kip decided she did not want to figure out whether he was or not and decided to take the easy way out - assume he was telling the truth. Besides, it was not every day that she could kiss him properly; most of the time Butler was watching, always ready with that stupid one-time-use camera when he though he was being discreet. Discreet? Hah. Every time she cuddled with Artemis, every time she went to give him a peck on the cheek, she had to be on the lookout for that stupid thing. Seems like closed doors were good for something, after all.  
  
- Freiburg, Germany -  
  
Mulch's eyes popped open around three AM. His first view was of Butler leaning over him - not exactly what he would have asked for, but good enough, he supposed. The dwarf sat up, rubbing his head. "I can guess what happened."  
  
Butler's eyebrow rose. "Oh?"  
  
Mulch caught his glance to Kip's closed door. "Yep. That guy swore to the police he was being chased by a - what'd he say? - a 'butt-ugly pit bull.' Poetic, huh?"  
  
"She didn't mention you were there at the time."  
  
Mulch shrugged. "Maybe she thought Arty'd be jealous."  
  
"Hmm." The big man took a seat on the armchair. "And?"  
  
"Don't you want to wait for those two to start the debriefing?" Mulch asked.  
  
"They're asleep."  
  
"Ah. Already taken some pictures, huh?" Mulch waggled his eyebrows. "You're not as sneaky as you'd like to think."  
  
"Oh?" Butler cracked his knuckles.  
  
The dwarf took the hint. "Found them. Rather bad situation, actually; there were five warlocks."  
  
"Were?"  
  
"Two of them were killed in a freak tunnel collapse."  
  
"Ah. Back-stabbing?"  
  
"Most likely. Those things were built to last centuries without so much as chipping. The warlocks seem to be the brains behind everything. They have DNA cannons; probably smuggled them from the trash heaps. Foaly didn't look too happy."  
  
"You saw them?"  
  
"Sort of. They're in the middle of this orange bubble thing, like what got Kip, except I don't feel anything because I don't have magic anymore. Foaly, Root, Holly, and Chix are in one of them, with most of the Council members in another bubble in the same room. There are two other large rooms, only about five of them to each bubble."  
  
"Mmm." Butler started massaging his temples.  
  
"Thinking it's a good time to rouse the strategist, huh?"  
  
"He knows more about the People than most of the People."  
  
"And he's a genus. So why aren't you moving?"  
  
Butler shot him a look. "Artemis doesn't want Kip caught in the crossfire."  
  
"Literally or otherwise?"  
  
"Both. He's already discussed this with me; when we move in, she's staying out."  
  
"Oh. And has he, um, told Kip that she's being left behind?"  
  
"Not as far as I know. And she's not finding out from me."  
  
Mulch shook his head. "She's not sitting this out, not if he's going in. If there's any chance he'll be in danger, she'll be there to take the bullet. Laser spurt. Whatever."  
  
Butler nodded. "I did not tell him that, though."  
  
"Why should you tell him? He should know it already!" Mulch hopped off the couch and headed for the door.  
  
"What are you doing?" Butler asked, getting swiftly to his feet.  
  
"Getting them up. And I'm waking Mud Boy first." 


	11. Actions Speak Louder

- Freiburg, Germany -  
  
Artemis was quiet. He was still thinking, meditatively holding his mug of hot chocolate. That's what he'd done: listened to what Mulch said, gone into the kitchen area, and made them all some hot chocolate. Rather odd, yes, but Kip was hardly awake, it being the second time that night something had made her open her eyes. She yawned hugely behind her hand, draining the rest of her drink. "If Mulch wasn't effected by the stuff, then you won't be either, right?" she asked.  
  
"Probably not," Artemis said slowly. "But we already know it affects you."  
  
"That liquidy stuff when it touched me, yeah. But I got over that, remember?"  
  
Artemis shook his head slightly. "I don't want to make a move until morning. They won't be able to run aboveground in the daytime. If we could operate those ion cannons -"  
  
"Assuming they're programmed for the gremlins, you mean," Mulch pointed out.  
  
"Can't you check that?"  
  
"I can try." The dwarf shrugged. "It's usually simple. Foaly thinks we can't operate things unless every button is labeled, anyway, and it looks like his stuff, so we should be okay there."  
  
"Then we're left with three warlocks," Butler said calmly.  
  
Artemis laughed. "Three? Come, come, Butler. Without the other two it's impossible to set up a time stop, even for the hour and a half or so they used to imprison the fairies. The bumbling idiots, at least one backstabber - it can't be hard."  
  
"Ambitious backstabber," Kip said, once again yawning. "Ugh, you'd think I haven't slept in a week. 'Ambitious' usually involves brains somewhere along the line."  
  
"But what if what we're seeing isn't the brains?" Mulch asked. "What if they're supposed leader was getting help from someone else?" He didn't notice the look Kip shot him when he said that.  
  
"Then we deal with the brain later," Artemis said firmly. "A brain is not much use without a body at its command."  
  
"True," Kip murmured sleepily, her head dropping to his shoulder.  
  
Butler made no comment as, when it became clear she had fallen asleep again, Artemis picked her up and carried her back to her room. "Well," he said, coming out and making sure the door was closed behind him, "we'll set out at dawn." And that was that.  
  
* * *  
  
- Underground on the outskirts of Freiburg, Germany -  
  
"There." Mulch pointed. "Around that bend. That's where they are."  
  
"And the warlocks?" Artemis shoved a lock of hair off his forehead. It had definitely been too long since he had gotten it cut.  
  
"Probably the control room," the dwarf said, sounding surer of himself than he felt. "But they don't expect anyone to escape, so we're safe."  
  
"Yeah, safe." This was not exactly how Artemis had expected it to be. He could deal with traps, yes, and death threats and subversion, but simple go- in-and-get-them-out, no one trying to shoot at you while you did so? Something was gnawing in the back of his mind, telling him he'd done something wrong, or he was doing something wrong, or both. "Right, I'll go first. Butler?"  
  
"Ready." The big man had at least a dozen weapons on him as well as the ones in his hands.  
  
Artemis nodded, taking a deep breath before stepping around the corner.  
  
* * *  
  
Chix was down to thirty-two bottles of beer on the wall when he suddenly stopped mid-bottle. "Hey! You guys, hey!"  
  
"Hey yourself," Foaly muttered irritably. Chix's singing was more torture than anything that had been thrown at them yet.  
  
"No, I mean - isn't that -"  
  
"Isn't what what?" Holly asked grumpily, lifting her head slowly and all of a sudden sitting up. "Oh my word!"  
  
Root looked over. "They're fooling us somehow," he sighed. "We all know Fowl's dead."  
  
"Fooling us?" Foaly cocked his head. "We're hallucinating, I think. Yeah, that's it; only in a dream would Holly be glad to see him."  
  
"But it is," Holly said, ignoring them. "Artemis! Get us out of here!"  
  
* * *  
  
The bubble was not as opaque as Mulch had first described it to be, but then it probably took less fairy magic to make it like this. After all, who knew how much the warlocks would be using to take over the world? He could distinctly see them inside, Holly looking intently at him and mouthing something.  
  
As far as Artemis could tell, the bubble was having no effect on him. Granted, he was nervous, but that was normal when you were trying to save the world, right? He swallowed, tugging at his collar before reaching out to put a hand on the bubble. Solid as anything. Solid like the concrete prison he'd had created for Holly back when he was twelve. "Where are the controls?" he called over his shoulder. "Mulch?" There was no answer.  
  
* * *  
  
"Great," Holly muttered, slumping back down into her usual stupor. "Great, Mud Boy. Turn around right into a Softnose pointed at your head."  
  
"You might've warned me or something," Artemis snapped, pacing around the bubble and kicking at it every once in a while as if it might have developed a weak spot since his last circuit.  
  
"Warned you? I was shouting at you the entire time!"  
  
"It's probably soundproof right now," Foaly said with a lazy flick of his tail. They can change it, I'm guessing, if they want us to hear them or not."  
  
"Interesting as that is, we need a plan," Root said, wishing for the millionth time that he had a cigar to chew on.  
  
"Will any of this help?" Butler started unhooking things from his belt and setting them on the floor.  
  
Foaly, mildly interested, began rifling through it. "Amazing as all this is, I wouldn't want to shoot at the wall only to find out the bullets ricochet."  
  
"The same goes for the explosives," Holly said. "You know, at least when we thought you were dead, we didn't expect you to get us out of here, anyway."  
  
"Charming," Artemis snarled. "So what, you had a memorial ceremony and everything? Burned me in effigy, did you?"  
  
Foaly laughed. "Yeah, that was it. And then we praised everything holy that no girl was going to ever make the mistake of falling in love with you and creating more little monsters running around."  
  
Artemis was stunned into momentary silence when Foaly looked pointedly at Chix.  
  
"Yeah, if any girl did that, he partents'd have to be taken out and shot for raisin' her tha' way," the sprite agreed.  
  
Artemis burst out laughing and, against his will, so did Butler. Foaly raised an eyebrow, amused. "So. Anything you want to tell us?"  
  
"Forget his love life. Where is she?" Root snapped.  
  
"Safe," Artemis sighed, sliding down to sit with his back against the orange stuff. "That's all that matters. She's not here."  
  
"Who?" Chix looked thoroughly confused.  
  
"Your daughter," Foaly said.  
  
"Oh. You found her?"  
  
"Yeah, we found her." Artemis looked as if his mood had sunk another notch.  
  
Holly was intrigued. Artemis, caring for someone else? And the fact that it was Chix's daughter just made it all the better. "Why isn't she with you?" she asked softly.  
  
"What, bring her here?" Artemis managed a mirthless laugh. "I'm not about to risk her like that."  
  
Foaly, for once, had no sarcasm for him. "Mud Boy, does she even know you're here?"  
  
Artemis shrugged.  
  
"So what's she going to think when she realizes you've gone? What if you never come back?"  
  
"It wasn't supposed to work like this, all right?" Artemis almost shouted. "We were supposed to get you out and be back by now, okay? But I'm glad we didn't tell her, I'm glad she's not stuck here like this."  
  
No, Butler thought; she's just stuck out there, and who knows what she's thinking right now?  
  
- Freiburg, Germany -  
  
Kip woke up around eleven the next morning, earlier than she expected, actually. She and Arty thought a lot alike, so she made sure, while drinking her cocoa, to see if she could taste the sleeping powder she was sure he had put in hers. There was nothing unusual though, to be safe, she drank the entire mug and did not fight the effects. He shouldn't be suspicious of her, anyway.  
  
There, on her bedside table, was a note from him. Simple: "Narda - Because I love you. Arty." Kip shook her head, tossing that one aside. Beneath it was another scrap of paper. Now, it has already been established that Mulch was less than an artist than most chimpanzees, but she understood what it was. A map. A map, showing the entrance to a cave not far from the Gasthof. Perfect.  
  
Kip gout out of bed, digging in her wardrobe for the fairy jumpsuit Mulch had obtained for her for this specific occasion. He would be waiting for her in the mouth of the cave, she knew, and then - well, it would be interesting to see Artemis' reaction, especially when he realized she had fooled them all. A satisfied smile flickered across her face a moment before she looked in the mirror, checking her expression. She would be Tom Riddle, confronting Harry Potter in the Chamber of Secrets. Except Artemis had neither read the book nor seen the movie, so he would be clueless. Exactly how she wanted him. 


	12. Appearances Can Be Decieving

- Underground on the outskirts of Freiburg, Germany -  
  
Jack thought he should be the leader because he was the oldest. Lou thought he should be the leader because he was Captain's brother. And Greg knew the honor would go to him eventually, so why argue now?  
  
"It's a bad omen, I tell you," Lou said, slapping a hand on the table. "First the tunnel collapses, then the Mud Men manage to get as far as that . . . How'd they even find us?"  
  
"It's Fowl; who cares how he found us?" Jack muttered. "I say we attack tomorrow night. The moon won't be full for another couple of days; the world'll be ours by then, hands down."  
  
Greg smiled, flipping the switch on the control panel that allowed sound waves to pass through the two bubbles in the room. There'd been a bit of an error, as it was impossible to let the Council hear them without the other Most Important Prisoners, but what they hey. It was more fun hearing about the destruction of your planet and knowing you couldn't do anything about it. "We start with Europe," Greg said loudly. "And end with the penguins down south."  
  
"Penguins?" Lou, if possible, was even dumber than Mo had been, and that was saying quite a bit.  
  
"Antarctica, stupid."  
  
"Oh. Right. Penguins." Lou grinned. "I like penguins. Can we keep 'em?"  
  
"We're not after the animals, you idiot. We're after the Mud Men." Greg was having a hard time keeping his voice level, but it had to be planned out just right. The ion cannons had about half an hour before they put all the gremlins to sleep, and, when they woke up, there'd be a new head for all the dumb muscle to follow. Greg smiled to himself. This was all going perfectly.  
  
* * *  
  
"Penguins?" Artemis asked. "The dumb one cares about penguins?"  
  
"Watch it," Foaly cautioned. "If we can hear them, odds are they can hear us." He was wrong, of course, but it was nice that he was looking out for the Mud Boy.  
  
"Are penguins worse than lollipops?" Holly asked innocently. "Besides, I think the destruction of your race would be more of a problem than the fact that Lou likes penguins."  
  
"That's a lot to blue rinse," Root muttered.  
  
"True. But at least it'll be painless for the lot of them. Not that I could say that for the lot of us." Foaly shrugged. "Anyone have any good, juicy secrets to tell? Last confessions? Bad jokes?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"To pass the time." The centaur shrugged again. "Well, it was worth a shot. . . ."  
  
* * *  
  
"It's perfect," Mulch assured her. "Mud - er, Artemis doesn't suspect a thing."  
  
"And the warlocks?" Kip smoothed out the wrinkles in her jumpsuit. It was a pale blue, specifically chosen to set of her eyes. She had pulled her hair back into a bun, strict, yet with a few braids to give the appearance that she was calm and had enough time to devote some to looking good. That's what part of this was, what part of this had been: an exercise in charm and using the Mesmer at all the right moments.  
  
"They'll be pleasantly surprised to be meeting you at last." Mulch stopped. "Look, the entire counsel's in there, and as an escaped convict . . ."  
  
"Then I suggest you hang back." Kip smiled coolly. "Or run out on m. Either one."  
  
"Nah, just on Mud Boy." Mulch hesitated. "Narda . . . good luck."  
  
There was an evil glint in her eye. "Thanks."  
  
* * *  
  
* * *  
  
"Blue rinse," Greg said contentedly, leaning back in his chair. "That's what Captain was planning."  
  
"Hey, how do you know?" Jack asked, wiping his nose on his sleeve. "He never told us. Said it was over our heads. Or something."  
  
"Maybe over your head, you nitwit," Greg said, struggling to remain calm, "but I'm above you. Blue rinse. All of them."  
  
"I dunno, Greg," Lou said slowly. "I dunno if it'll work. Captain was in charge -"  
  
"And he's not here anymore, is he?" Greg was going to burst a blood vessel, he just knew it.  
  
"But that doesn't make you in his place!" Jack argued. "We should vote."  
  
"Right, vote. I vote for me." Greg folded his arms.  
  
"And I vote for me," Jack said, imitating the motion.  
  
"I'm with you fellas," Lou said complacently.  
  
* * *  
  
Kip might have laughed at any other time. Warlocks, reenacting Mud Man movies? Well, maybe reenacting wasn't exactly the right word, but the dialogue was reminiscent of "O Brother, Where Art Thou." Dumb one, leader one, and middle one. Not that she could label them and trust it completely, but it helped. Of course, it would also help if she'd actually dealt with any of the three of them before, but she was playing this by ear. Kip just hoped she wasn't tone deaf.  
  
* * *  
  
Foaly had gone pale. As pale as a centaur can go, anyway, and this was a light tan. "Blue rinse," he whispered.  
  
"The sleeping powder's back at the Gasthof," Artemis mumbled.  
  
"No, Mud Boy; you don't get it. An uncontrolled blue rinse, not contained by a time stop? No one knows how far it would go before death becomes slow and painful and then some things actually live. There wouldn't even be any penguins left." He frowned. "That Captain, that must not have been his plan."  
  
"Or the real brains aren't here." Without a cigar, Root was making do with chewing on his lip. "We're missing something, I just know it."  
  
"Well, unless you can tell us what we're missing, keep your bad news to yourself." Holly's voice was somewhat muffled, owing to the fact that she was on her stomach, her face somewhere in the pillow of her arms.  
  
It was Chix who looked up first. "Uh, guys . . ."  
  
"Not again," Root moaned, looking around for something safer than a Mud Man hand grenade to throw at the sprite.  
  
"But I think the brains just arrived."  
  
"Brains?" Holly sat up. And froze. Because, from what was going on, it certainly looked that way. "Artemis . . ."  
  
He shook his head. "No. You're wrong. I -" And words failed him.  
  
* * *  
  
Kip raised an eyebrow as she came into the room. "Well, that wasn't at all what I had planned," she said, critically eyeing Artemis and Butler in the bubble. "Honestly, I need to talk to Captain about this."  
  
Greg managed to shut his mouth. "Who - ahem. Who are you, and why are you here?"  
  
"Hmm." She looked at him. "You'd be Greg now, wouldn't you?"  
  
"Ah - yes."  
  
"I'm Lou, and he's Jack," Lou volunteered before Greg could shush him.  
  
"Then is Captain hiding around her someplace with Mo? Wait, don't answer that." She sighed.  
  
"Captain's dead," Lou said just as helpfully.  
  
"Lou!" Greg glared at him.  
  
"Dead?" Kip laughed slightly. "Since when? I just recently spoke with him."  
  
"Yesterday."  
  
"Lou!" Greg clamped a hand over his mouth.  
  
"Mmm, that puts a damper in things." Kip took a seat in a chair, propping her feet on another. "Then you've no idea who I am, what I'm doing here . . . does professional jealousy run so deep?"  
  
Hand still firmly I place, Greg cleared his throat. "Ah - no. So: what are you doing here?"  
  
She smirked. "You thought Captain was the one with all the plans and the know-how? Well, you're wrong. I'm the one behind him. I'm the one in charge of taking over the world and this" - she indicated the bubble - "was not a part of my plans."  
  
Jack blinked. "A Mud Woman, take over the world?"  
  
"'A Mud Woman, take over the world'?" Kip mocked. "Nope. I'm half-and-half, though mostly the better half."  
  
"There were records on you," Greg said slowly. "A sprite . . . you're just a kid."  
  
"A kid?" Kip laughed at that one. "Honestly - have you any idea - I killed her."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"The kid. The girl. The sprite's daughter. Well, at least the one you know about it." She wiped a tear from her eye and got down to business. "Look, the kid they were looking for - she's my half-sister, and yes, dead and gone. I couldn't have her messing with my work, for one thing, though she did prove useful in the long run. See, I'm actually pushing sixty -"  
  
"You look good, for being half Mud Man." But Greg was still skeptical.  
  
"- and in league with your centaur." She indicated Foaly. "But let me explain from the beginning: I was banished from the Lower Elements at a young enough age and stuck off on my own. Later I discovered my idiot father had gone and made the same mistake again, so I snuck back down and made sure my file was destroyed, reinstating hers. Then I went topside and, with a bit of help from the Mesmer, took her place, easy as that. Then all I had to do was wait for Fowl to show up.  
  
"You see, your people had given me an idea: creating a new race that looked like Mud Men and had all the capabilities, but none of the natural characteristics. Foaly and I teamed up on that one, except we had two different ideas of what this superior race would be. He wanted the muscle, I wanted the brains, and we'd both done extensive research on your own creation, so our team shortly fell apart."  
  
"You created one of the creatures our forefathers had not yet perfected?" Jack asked, incredulous.  
  
"Two. I did one; Foaly did the other."  
  
"So where are they now?" Greg asked stubbornly.  
  
Raising a slim hand, Kip pointed directly at Artemis. "Mine." And Butler. "Foaly's." 


	13. Master of Illusions

- Underground on the outskirts of Freiburg, Germany -  
  
Artemis wasn't sure whether to laugh at the absurd notion that Kip had created him or cry at the equally absurd idea that she had truly, completely deceived him. "I thought she was American, sort of," Holly whispered, trying to keep her tone light. Kip had been speaking with a flawless, lilting Irish accent.  
  
Root, however, had other things on his mind. "Foaly, did she just tell me what I thought I heard?"  
  
"Commander, I -"  
  
"Because, if we heard that, the entire Council did, too."  
  
The centaur mutely shook his head, eyes wide, but he had nothing more to say.  
  
* * *  
  
Lou was all amazed, but Greg wasn't about to buy into it. "You created Artemis Fowl, the greatest enemy of the People."  
  
Kip shrugged. "Well, that 'greatest enemy' bit has some clearing up to do. You see, it's hard to just sort of pop in and create an entirely new person, especially one with the power and status I desired. So, when Artemis Senior set off for Russia, Foaly paid of the Mafia to make sure he wouldn't come home anytime soon. Then it was my job to cause the mental collapse of his mother, simply so no one would question the long absences of the real Artemis Junior and Butler."  
  
"How long of an absence are we talking about?" Greg asked slowly.  
  
"A couple months. Five or so before we'd worked all the bugs out of our new models and done as much as possible to replicate physical features. It's a long and tricky process to create them - I won't bore you with the details - and only a small window of time where features can be manipulated before the accelerated growth kicks in. Then it's all be-on-the-ready-with-the- needle, since they have to be injected at just the right age."  
  
"Wait, wait - you actually grew them? From embryos."  
  
"Yes. You see, my plan had been to use the DNA from both a Mud Man and a fairy in order to create a new pattern so the resulting being would have magical powers, as I do, but my half-sister actually proved to me that magic is not always apparent in children of such matches. Otherwise she may have been my partner, not something to be eliminated before I proceeded."  
  
"So they're human."  
  
"Eh . . . I wouldn't go so far as that, really. We tinkered a bit too much, I think. I mean, seriously, did you think his IQ was natural?" Kip laughed. "No, they're about as un-natural as they come."  
  
"But the business with him stealing the Book, the business with Holly . . ."  
  
"A diversion provided by Foaly so one, the pair could be introduced to their future allies - namely, the People - and so there would be a reason they could understand for Angeline regaining her memory. You see, this pair" - she indicated the bubble again - "have the memories of the real Fowl and Butler, just with the few months missing. Still, we managed a way so they wouldn't question it -"  
  
"I didn't think you and Foaly worked together," Greg cut in, but he was leaning more and more to her side of things.  
  
"Not on the design, no, but on common factors: memory transfer, aging problem, basic procedures. Still, in the end, I think Foaly had to admit the kid with brains was a great deal more affective than the muscle man with - well, muscle." She smiled falsely, twinkling her fingers in Foaly's direction. "I swear, he's more jealous of me than he was of Opal Koboi, and that's definitely saying something."  
  
Greg tapped his chin thoughtfully. "So they don't even know they've been created by you and a centaur."  
  
"They didn't, no. And they won't necessarily have to remember finding out, either." Kip's grin was malicious.  
  
"Then you could make us an army, and army full of - what are they, exactly?"  
  
"Yes, I could make you an army. Call them what you will." Kip waved a hand. "Actually, I'll need the captain, too, since I used the Mesmer on her in the first infamous Fowl incident. She'll just have to forget it again."  
  
Lou's mouth was hanging open. "Wow! You're amazing!"  
  
Her smile turned smug. "Thank you. I just wish some other creatures would have the same appreciation for my genius." The look she shot at Foaly was anything but discreet.  
  
* * *  
  
Artemis was, quite frankly, scared. There was no way to prove what she was saying was wrong - a memory transfer? He'd have no recollection of ever being anyone other than who - what - he was now. And this was a reason why, with his father gone, his mother had suddenly collapsed mentally when she had otherwise been a strong woman. Granted, she loved his father very much, but just losing someone like that - could that cause a mental breakdown?  
  
Except Artemis realized he already knew the answer. Yes, it could. If what Kip was saying were actually true - if she were a murderer, and planning on many more murders before she finished, if she had been using him, had never loved him - then he knew he would drop more than a few IQ points just from the knowledge.  
  
The knowledge. His lips curved into a painful, sardonic smile. She'd wipe his memory, and he'd never know. It would take him a while to figure out whether that was any sort of consolation.  
  
* * *  
  
"So it surprised me when I came in here and my life's work was just sitting there with Foaly. I mean, talk about a chance to do a little unethical research."  
  
"Captain never told us this was his plan," Greg apologized. "We assumed he was thinking more along the lines of blue rinsing -"  
  
"Blue rinsing the entire world? Without causing us any harm? Sorry, but that fell though when we lost the other two. We could contain it in a time stop, yes, but not otherwise. I'd thought about that, perhaps plunging the world into total chaos by using that over Buckingham Palace, Washington, D.C., perhaps UN headquarters . . . but we're fairies, right? Long life spans, enough to create such an army, watch it work, and sit back to enjoy the benefits."  
  
Greg was trying to be discreet as he fiddled with something in his pocket. Fairy, huh? Well, they were fairies, too, and she wasn't showing much drain from the power cells. "You have magic."  
  
"Fluke, really. Unless you want to crate more half-and-halves and kill off the ones who don't, but that seems a lot of work for who knows how much gain?" Kip looked thoughtful. "We might be able to manage a couple straight off, though. And, with research . . ."  
  
Greg's hand moved faster than Kip could react and the knife he held cut a slash in her forehead. After a moment of stunned silence, Kip laughed. "Not very trusting, are you?"  
  
"It was a test," Greg said simply, putting the knife away as the wound healed itself lickety-split. "I wasn't sure whether or not to trust you."  
  
"And now you do?" she quirked an eyebrow.  
  
"It's a partnership," Greg declared, holding out his hand. Kip took it, and they shook on it. "Now, a toast - to us." He turned to the table where a flagon of wine and three frosted glasses were sitting.  
  
"But there are only three cups," Lou pointed out, he and Jack having kept silent for fear of being beaten if they spoke.  
  
"Then she can have the bottle," Greg said, pouring three cups full. "That is, if she doesn't mind."  
  
"Not at all." Kip reached for it, studying the label. "Ah. Good year."  
  
"I thought so, too. A toast." Greg raised his glass. "To us."  
  
"To us," the other three echoed, clinking glasses - and bottle - together before drinking deeply.  
  
* * *  
  
Butler put a hand on his employer's shoulder as they watched Kip drink with the warlocks. He wanted to say, "Artemis, I'm sorry, even I didn't see it," but that might have pushed Artemis over the edge, either into a ranting and raving fit, or into hysterical tears, and neither one sounded all that appealing to him at the moment.  
  
"If I had the strength, Foaly, I'd wring your neck," Root grunted.  
  
"Yeah," Chix said.  
  
"And you." Holly rounded on him. "Two of them? You're the reason that - that monster exists! We're here because of you!" She was close to crying herself, her tears from anger.  
  
Artemis shook his head stiltedly. "No. I can't believe it."  
  
Rot was intent on strangling the air in front of him. "We trusted you, Foaly," he said tightly. "We trusted you."  
  
Foaly said nothing.  
  
* * *  
  
Lou smacked his lips. "Tha's a good wine," he slurred.  
  
Jack laughed. "You're already drunk," he giggled, sloshing a bit down his shirt. "Whoopsies. Least it's not red wine."  
  
"Another toast," Greg declared, raising his glass high. It wobbled slightly in his hand. "To . . ."  
  
"To wine!" Lou giggled, and once again they clinked drinking vessels.  
  
It took only a few more toasts until Lou and Jack were sprawled on the table. "Well," Greg said jovially, "guess we know who can't handle their alcohol, right?" he asked, raising his glass in another toast to Kip.  
  
"First off, it's 'who can't handle his alcohol,'" Kip corrected icily in a simple American accent. "And secondly, you killed them."  
  
"Killed them?" Greg's smile started to look a bit fake. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"The fact that they're not breathing." Kip slammed the bottle down and stood.  
  
He was definitely nervous now. He'd been watching her closely, making sure she really swallowed at every toast, unlike his fake gulps. "Oh . . . really?"  
  
"Don't play dumb with me, warlock," she snarled, knocking his glass form his hand. As she had suspected, it was still full as it smashed against the wall.  
  
"Hey, that was an antique!"  
  
"That's no longer your problem."  
  
The poor guy didn't even see it coming. A couple strategically placed jabs and he was on the floor, writhing in pain. "But you - you and Foaly are taking over the world!" he gasped, tears of pain in his eyes.  
  
She paused. "So it worked, huh? It was so far out you actually believed me." It was then her boot connected with the back of his skull, plunging him into unconsciousness.  
  
* * *  
  
Artemis was on his feet, hands pressed against the orange wall. "Come on," he urged quietly. "Come on!"  
  
But Kip wavered on the spot. After kicking the last one - Greg - she stumbled forward, clutching her stomach a moment before straightening. Her breathing was stilted as she made it to the control panel, grasping the edge with one hand before finding the right button and pressing it. She was in Artemis' arms before she hit the floor.  
  
* * *  
  
Someone was holding her . . . She caught a faint whiff of cologne, the expensive stuff Arty wore. Kip forced her eyes to focus. "Arty."  
  
"Kip." His voice shook.  
  
He had figured it out. No doubt about it; he was smart enough. How Kip had taken the sleeping powder and, shielded, rubbed it on the inside of the three glasses before performing her charade. All she needed was for them to drink. And it didn't matter if she had to use the bottle; she hadn't done anything to that. She just hadn't planned on Greg.  
  
Well, her prayer had been answered. The "Please, God; let me save Arty, even if I have to sacrifice myself to do it."  
  
Greg had poisoned the wine. He was the backstabber, as she had guessed, and she had felt the bite the moment she took her first swallow. She also noticed how closely he was watching her, how she could not fake it the way he was doing. It had started burning her mouth, her throat, her stomach . . . And she had no magic to counteract it. Being around those orange walls, shielded, and scared had taken up most of her power, and healing that cut like normal had taken the last.  
  
Kip took a labored breath. "I was scared," she whispered, and he held her tighter. "I was afraid . . . it wouldn't work." She was shaking, that's how much damage the stuff was doing.  
  
"You saved us, Narda," Artemis assured her, then bit his tongue. Anything else and he'd be screaming "Oh, God, why?" Vaguely he registered the fairies running around, begging for anyone with a drop of magic left, going above to see if the moon had somehow changed its phase just for her. None of it was going to help.  
  
A shudder ran through her and she pressed her face into his shoulder. It took the last of her strength with her as it passed. Pain shot in sparks along her entire body as she gathered herself for four final words: "I love you, Arty."  
  
He was crying openly. "I love you too, Narda." And she was gone. 


	14. Midnight

- Underground on the outskirts of Freiburg, Germany -  
  
Holly didn't know what to say. It was disconcerting, really, because she was thinking she should offer Artemis sympathy, or pity, and neither seemed to jive with the thought of Artemis Fowl the Second.  
  
He was currently sitting curled up into a ball, head buried in his arms, across the room from Kip - Narda - Chix's daughter. He had given her one last kiss, smoothed the hair away from her forehead, and stood with an air of calmness that was immediately proven false when he walked across the room, hands in his pockets, and kicked the wall viciously, collapsing against it with tears streaming down his cheeks. And he hadn't moved since.  
  
Butler, being a bodyguard, was not supposed to have any emotional attachment to anything, be it animal, vegetal, or mineral, and he was certainly not supposed to show the emotion that was attached. So, at the moment, he was having a hard time being detached when all he wanted to do was cry as well, or comfort Artemis, but there were two problems with this last bit: one, that would definitely lead to outward sign of grief, and two, Artemis usually wanted to be left alone when the situation looked this terrible.  
  
Root took a deep breath. "Wow," he said simply.  
  
"I'll say," Foaly said softly, casting a glance at the Mud Men to make sure he was being too quiet for them to hear him. "She almost had me believing her."  
  
"She saved us," Holly said reverently, looking to where Chix was bending over his daughter with a look of something akin to wonder on his face. "She didn't have to do any of that, but she did, and now . . ."  
  
"Oh, really?" Root said gruffly. "Didn't have to save the world, now, did she?"  
  
"Stop it," Foaly cautioned, casting another nervous glance at Artemis.  
  
"All I'm saying is, she didn't have much of a choice," the commander continued, albeit in a softer voice.  
  
"Does it really matter? I mean, the outcome . . ." Holly sighed. "What do we do now?" she continued in a dejected tone.  
  
No one had time to answer before Chix went flying across the room.  
  
* * *  
  
Of course, "flying" might be the wrong verb, as it implies Chix used his wings and made the trip under his own power. Perhaps "was flung across the room" would be a more appropriate expression of the way he crashed into the wall and fell painfully to the floor, bad wing crumpled under him.  
  
This might also be a good time to mention the fact that, as proven by the exploding translator incident, Kip's magic grows back. Sort of like hair: when it's long, you don't notice it growing, but, if you shave your head, it seems to sprout back faster than imaginable. This growth was not apparent at first because the poison's damage was internal and Kip was under a sort of healing trance. However, upon being strong enough to do so, she opened her eyes and reflexively beat the man - the fairy - leaning over her, as she had done to Mulch.  
  
Therefore, instead of rushing to see if Chix was hurt, most of the beings in the room held themselves back as Artemis went to her. "Narda," he whispered, noticing the look of pain on her face and gathering her in his arms as she sat up.  
  
"That may not have been the smartest thing for me to do," she whispered, wincing and doubling up, yet at the same time clutching him to her.  
  
"My god, you're alive." Artemis brushed away the renegade tears on his cheeks.  
  
"It was too lonely without you," she said softly, pulling back, pain easing slightly as her magic continued to grow and be used up immediately in her healing. "You were supposed to laugh."  
  
He managed to smile at that, though she noticed a fresh glisten in his eyes. "We have plenty of time to laugh later."  
  
She understood, leaning in for a gentle kiss.  
  
- Aboveground on the outskirts of Freiburg, Germany -  
  
Root was not exactly in a good mood, seeing as how every fairy in existence was aboveground and it wasn't even a full moon for three more days. "Cool it, Julius," Foaly said cheerfully, watching his commander chew with a passion on the stub of his cigar. "There's no one here to see us."  
  
The response was an unintelligible grumble, which only made Foaly laugh.  
  
Kip, resting under a tree and secure under the gazes of both Artemis and Butler, was looking wearily at her father. Chix did not seem to be feeling any of the tension and was babbling away about some complete nonsense. Holly came to her rescue. "So. You're the one who finally got Mud Boy to stop drooling over computers."  
  
Artemis wasn't sure whether or not to be offended by that, but Kip laughed, taking his hand and pulling him down next to her. "I had to get rid of the computer; I was getting jealous."  
  
Holly smiled. "You've changed a lot, Artemis."  
  
He smiled, arm around Kip. "Maybe I heeded that last bit of advice you gave me all those years ago."  
  
The elf perked up. "Do you still have it?"  
  
"The coin?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
He shook his head. "Nope."  
  
Holly knew she really shouldn't be disappointed, but she was, just the same. "Oh."  
  
"I do." Kip pulled it out from under her shirt where it hung on a black cord. "We decided it suited us better than an engagement ring."  
  
Whatever Holly's response was to that, it was covered up by a rather large coughing fit from Butler. "You were supposed to see how long until he noticed!" Artemis hissed in a stage whisper, kissing her again to stop any protests.  
  
Chix wrinkled his nose. "You're - you're going to be my son-in-law?"  
  
"That's the general idea," Kip agreed. It only caused everyone to laugh when the sprite fell over in a dead faint.  
  
- En Route to Ireland -  
  
Kip looked unseeingly out the plane window. "D'you really think they're okay?"  
  
"Who?" Artemis dragged himself out of daydreaming. About her, of course.  
  
"Them." She gestured vaguely. "Holly, Foaly, Commander Root, my - Chix. They still had the Gremlins to take care of."  
  
"They said they could do it," he pointed out. "And if they really needed our help, they'd say so."  
  
"Mmm." She settled back in her seat, arms crossed. "Arty?"  
  
"I'm here."  
  
"I think we need to talk."  
  
"About what?" He slid his arm around her, concerned that she was not meeting his eyes. "Narda, what is it?"  
  
She hesitated. "Our wedding."  
  
"Wedding?"  
  
"You, me - getting married. Remember?" She pulled the coin out from her shirt. "That's what this is all about."  
  
Artemis tensed. "Sweetie, what is it? What's bothering you?"  
  
Kip shook her head. "You'll think it's silly."  
  
"I won't. Or, at least, if I do, I won't say so. There." He lifted her chin. "That got a smile out of you."  
  
She laughed, dropping her head onto his shoulder. "All right, all right. But it seems trivial."  
  
"When it involves you? Never."  
  
She kissed his cheek. "You always know the right thing to say." 


	15. Something New

- Fowl Manor, Dublin, Ireland -  
  
Angeline shook her head. "I won't stand for it, Tim. Honestly, every girl's dreamt of being a fairy-tale princess -"  
  
"This isn't your wedding, dear."  
  
"But it's Arty's." Angeline picked up a silver brush from her vanity and began using it with swift, short strokes. "He deserves -"  
  
"He wants this. Sweetheart, you can start your relationship with your daughter-in-law on shaky ground or you can swallow your pride and just be happy that they're happy." Artemis Senior took his wife's shoulders. "Hmm?"  
  
She sighed. "I just can't stand for something like this, Tim, and you know it."  
  
He sighed. This was not going at all the way he had wanted. . . .  
  
Below them Kip was sitting in the window seat of the den, fiddling nervously with the hem of her shirt. "I'm causing a problem, aren't I?"  
  
"No, you're not," Artemis Junior said emphatically, turning away from another solitaire game.  
  
She shook her head. "I am. Your mother's mad because I won't accept what she had planned."  
  
"And I'm glad you won't, 'cause I wasn't all that crazy about her idea, anyway," he said firmly.  
  
"She's mad."  
  
"It's not her wedding."  
  
"You heard her as well as I did: she said she won't come." Kip sighed, closing her eyes.  
  
"Kip. She's a mother. It's her job to come and bawl her eyes out because her little baby's all grown up. Trust me: she's coming. She can't stop us, especially not when we have Butler on our side." He smiled at her, trying to be reassuring while all the while worrying he was not succeeding.  
  
Artemis Fowl Senior knocked on the door. "You look like WWIII would be a nice vacation," Kip said sullenly.  
  
"Hah, hah; love you too." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Did you see the invitations she'd had ready?"  
  
His son snatched the folded bit of expensive paper from his father's hand, taking it over so Kip could see it as well. "Tell me that's not real gold for the writing," she murmured.  
  
"Twenty-four carat," her soon-to-be-father-in-law said apologetically.  
  
"And that picture . . ." Artemis Junior winced. "It's a little personal."  
  
"Oh, don't worry, it's on all of them," his father assured him with false cheer. "All three hundred."  
  
"Three hundred?" Kip blinked. "Do we even know that many people?"  
  
"Considering our guest list includes a total of six . . ." Her fiancé trailed off.  
  
"And what were you considering for an invitation?" Artemis Senior wanted to know.  
  
Kip spread her arms. "It walks, it talks -"  
  
"And it looks pretty damn good, too," Artemis finished.  
  
She blushed. "Thanks. I try."  
  
Artemis Senior nodded slowly. "You go on and ask the other two. Angeline and I will be there by the big day."  
  
Even his son looked a bit doubtful. "Dad, that gives you about a week."  
  
"She'll be there," was the grim response. "Even if I have to leave without her, she'll come flying in at the last moment as if she were with us all along."  
  
Butler appeared in the doorway. "The plane is ready when you are, Master Artemis."  
  
"Is Mulch there already?" He was Kip's third guest, Artemis' being, of course, Butler himself.  
  
"Yes ma'am."  
  
Artemis Senior saw the hesitation on their faces. "Go," he urged softly. "You owe it to yourselves. We'll be there."  
  
"Thank you." Kip gave him an impulsive hug as she past him.  
  
"No thanks needed," he assured her. "Just keep my son happy." He winked.  
  
"Lifelong grantee," Artemis Junior said with a gin, taking her hand. "Come on; we've a wedding to plan." They left.  
  
Artemis Senior smiled, shaking his head slightly. "Ah, to be young and in love. You keep them in line, Butler."  
  
"Yes, sir," the big man replied, throwing a mock salute before turning on his heel and going after them.  
  
From up in her room Angeline parted the lace curtains, watching with no expression as she saw her son, laughing, twirl Kip around and catch her up in a kiss before disappearing around the corner of the house.  
  
- Minnesota, the Middle of Nowhere -  
  
"I see you're back." Joe smiled, wiping his hands on a towel and giving Kip a gruff hug. "We missed you, kid."  
  
"Missed you too." Kip turned to Liz and gave her a hug as well. "I'd like to talk to the two of you when you have a minute."  
  
"We have as long as you want," Joe proclaimed, taking off his apron, throwing over a hook, and leading them to a corner booth. "Drinks on the house," he said with a grin and they ordered from a new waitress, one Kip didn't know. "That's Sherry," he informed her. "Came to replace you. Sort of."  
  
"No one can replace you," Liz said earnestly.  
  
Kip smiled, rather embarrassed. "Thanks."  
  
Joe rested his chin in his hand. "So. Find your father."  
  
She seemed a bit taken off guard. "Well - yes, actually. I finally did."  
  
"What's he like?" Liz popped a bubble with her gum.  
  
She shrugged. "Kind of a surprise. Look, Joe, Liz - I'm getting married next week."  
  
Liz grabbed her hand, sitting up straight. "To that man's nephew?"  
  
"Yes. And Artemis and I wanted a small wedding, just six guests. We each invited our closets friends and our - our parents." She looked back and forth between the two of them. "And I really hope you'll come."  
  
Joe blinked. "Us?"  
  
"Me?" Liz raised her eyebrows high up into her hair. "But I thought you said you'd found your father."  
  
"Yeah. I did." Kip smiled at Joe. "I found he'd be waiting for me when I came home."  
  
"You want me to give you away." Joe was still in shock.  
  
"Yes. I do."  
  
His face broke into the largest smile imaginable. "You bet I will. And we'll all come back her for the reception! If it's all right with your fiancé," he added hastily.  
  
"It will be." Kip was smiling, too. "Just wait 'til you meet him! And Butler, and his parents . . . they're amazing, especially his dad."  
  
Liz had on the largest, most lipsticked grin possible, though tears were threatening her mascara. "You deserve to be happy."  
  
And Joe sighed, handing them paper napkins as they laughed through their tears.  
  
* * * * *  
  
The knock on the door of apartment 2B was answered with a smile and a "You're not supposed to be here."  
  
"I'm not supposed to see you tomorrow before the wedding," Artemis corrected. "No one said anything about the night before."  
  
"You're supposed to be out having some wild bachelor party that would make the nuns faint dead away." Kip grinned, still not moving enough to let him in.  
  
His smile was a tad more devilish. "You mean we can't do something here that would achieve the same result?"  
  
"Artemis Fowl the Second!" Laughing, Kip moved aside.  
  
He caught her as the door shut, running his fingers lightly along her cheek. "Narda."  
  
She caught his hand, kissing it as she held his eyes. "I can't believe it's tomorrow."  
  
"If you say it's too soon I might be forced to take drastic measures," he threatened, kissing her soundly.  
  
"I can take anything you throw at me," she countered when she pulled away before he was satisfied.  
  
"Hmm." He pulled her into a hug, resting his head against her own. "Chocolate chips and mayonnaise."  
  
Her laughter was the answer he was seeking and he almost didn't want to cut it off by kissing her again. Almost.  
  
* * * * *  
  
- From the files of Prof. J. Argon, Brotherhood of Physiologists Commissioned by the Lower Elements Police -  
  
The marriage of Chix's daughter and the Mud Man once considered the worst enemy of the People took place on June 21 in a city hall in the middle of nowhere, someplace in Minnesota. Mrs. Fowl came in last minute with twelve handkerchiefs at the ready, though she could not be convinced to participate in the karaoke that took place at the truck stop café after the ceremony.  
  
Mr. and Mrs. Fowl the Second took off on their honeymoon the next morning. Every hotel they used held a record of two rooms: one for the newlyweds and one for a Mr. Butler and his midget brother.  
  
I would close this report with "And they lived happily ever after," but one does not become a professor by making false judgments. Such a statement would presume that this is the last we will ever hear from the Fowls, and I highly doubt we will ever be safely able to assume that. 


End file.
